SM-liiga in English

[lucas]

Dear comrade-supporters. I think you maybe are doing a little bull out of a fly with the Suzki case. You are too close to see the answer, which is obvious (more on that later). You have been watching her shake her booty one too many times. You know her, you can smell her (is it any good?), you have fainted a couple of times when she has shaken her hair like a mad nympho and her eyes have met yours accidentally just for a brief moment. Those of you who have been well-positioned in the stands have tried to peek under her skirt. Me, I have just seen her in couple of pornographic arrangements (photoshopped, by myself). So I can see clearly.

You might have neglected my words earlier in this chain. Or you are trying to hide from the truth. But the traces, they always lead to the head cheese factory, yes they do. And who runs the head cheese factory, along with all the other factories and institutions around, in and out and above the Finnish disc scene?

Right.

Jabba.

So there.

Now excuse me while I go back to my pornographic arrangements.

 

[Clocks]

He shouted "now comes repo man to Pesonen" and everbody thought "shot put" had commanded V-P Kautonen to confiscate Pesonen his health with a bad tackle and that was a mistake from "shot put", because TV taped the incident.

Mistake or not, it was brand-looking action from Shot Put. What would HAAC be without regular overstrikes? Just another His Master's Voice -team.

What the fuck was the name of Shot Put's assistant coach? All I remember is the nickname Numb. I remember nearly tearing apart my game trousers, when I saw this duo in TV for the first time. Shot Put's marble glistened in the lightninglights, and he was wearing a suede vest so fucking ugly that in China he would have been executed for it. Numb sat numbly beside Shot Put, and looked like he had just escaped from Bell Rapids.

 

[JHag]

After "shot put" got fired out new head-coach was Timo "silent" Flowershrub. Silent never talked to players or anybody else
so he too got fired before playoffs and The Sir Pentti himself took over

Timo The Mute was not the only coach. He was accompanied by Jari "Taleban" Kaarela, who was famous because he was the first goaliecoach in the world, who videotaped all the goalies and then searched their weak areas from his VHS-tapes. From these tapes you could easily see that Sakari Lindfors is a small goalie and Tom Draper sucks. Nobody could see those things by watching the games alive! Later on The Mute joined Batmans Enemies and Taliban went to Hameenlinna BallClub. But The Sir Pentti stayed in HAAC like an incurable disease stays in human being. After 9/11 Taleban Kaarela got a lifetime bann to enter USA because, for some reason, they suspected him of being some kind of terrorist. Nowadays he coaches in Russia and with his looks he was very welcome in there. During off-season Jari Taliban works in Russia as a torpedo.

 

[Clocks]

Now lights on, Clocks. Johannes already told the name of the assistant coach, and JHag already told what mykkae is in English.

 

[Dale Cooper]

Seriously, everything you numerous foreigners need to know about Finnish Elite-league is "Our Game".

"Our Game" could be described as a separate game inside hockey. That, of course, is an extreme understatement against "Our Game", as Our Game is actually much more sophisticated than good ol' hockey.
Main goal of Our Game is to make as many "delayed takeoffs" as possible. Succesful delayed takeoff leads to three points. Extra points (kind of American Football style) can be scored by "winning space" (not to be confused with conquering The Moon) or by "making space" (not to be conf. with hitting spacebar). Everything space-releated action rewards the offencing team with one point. Therefore just one offencive play may result to five points! Now if that is NOT interesting, then what is?

Unfortunately these "Our Game" points are not yet officially counted. That's why Kaleva's Ball (or Pekka Stream) still has no Championships. Luckily it's only a matter of time when the revolution begins. Finland already won the praised World Championships of Icehockey (internationally valued as the 259. most significant World Championship in sports) by playing "Our Game". Now, as Finland will keep winning the Championship over and over again with it's supreme strategy, other countries will eventually bend to all rule-adjustments Finland demands. And then the new King of Sports is born.

Behind this "Our Game" -strategy is The Praised hockey-analytic Petteri Sihvonen. In Finland we call him "Der Führer". Currently, he is the only one who actually counts delayed takeoffs. According to strong rumours, he is also writing a new hockeysong. Projectname of the song is "L'Internationale (Hockey remix feat. Wet-Simo)".

 

[Ck]

The question about Suzki is quite complicated. I think there is a conspiracy behind that.

Yes, we might be never find a truth of this, but the legacy this Radio program will last forever! Maybe someone, who is better in english language than me, could be translate this video to foreigners which, i think is hundreds maybe thousand here reading this.

Link to the HAAC "sauna" night in youtube: Who done that to the Suzki?

 

[FASlapsi]

Talking bout Saimaa Ball makes me wonder what's Goofy Cum doing nowadays?

Ah, yes, Goofy Cum, the magical burnman, one of the mostest interested ice disc peoples from Lappees Beach.

Goofy Cum was the JariKurri of Saimaa's Ball in last year thousand when something horrible happened, and a paradox was created which bent the rules of time and reason, and against sense Saimaa's Ball was playing in the medal games. Because of this, Miracle from Ice no more meaned USA winning in olympics, and Goofy was given Nobel prize of JariKurring, and Goofy became the Jesus Christus of South Carjala.

Goofy then started to wonder around the Finland, coaching Bobcat and HAAC, but his geniusness of JariKurring, which includes a famous technique called "Dogs Coppi", where Goofy put all the bestest players who annoyed Goofy, was not valuabled, and Goofy escaped to Denmark, and got the nationality of Sverige, like Matti LittleNykä back in the days. Then Saimaa's Ball was in troubles, and Goofy cum to rescue. Unfortunately people of Lappees Beach then remembered that Goofy is Jesus Christus, and they crossnailed him because Goofy was arrested from steeringwheeldrunkness - a natural habit of all peoples who live in Lappee's Beach, that is truthspeaking, go ask Scott Barney if you didn't believed in me - and so ended Goofys JariKurring in Saimaas's ball. It was a sad day for ice disc in Lappees Beach.

But have no fear, like a true Jesus Christus, Goofy did make his comeback, and he did uprisings to heaven. Well, actually just his old and useless cardboard shirt was uprised in to the roof of Saimaa's Ball navet, but it still made Goofy cry. Arvi Lind was there also, and all the ice disc playing friends of Goofy from the past, maybe even that backstabbing Hair dryer Ben was there playing some music with his fax, and whole Lappee's Beach yelled "Thank you Goofy, no matter that you were steeringwheeldrunk, we are also" and peoples hugged and maybe even did some sexual touches to each others.

Nowadays Goofy is still JariKurring in Sloweenia, where his team is doing the impossibles again: it is playing in the Sloweenian ice disc league, and also in the EastPowers ice disc league. Only Goofy and his Dog Coppi-tactics can do that! Propably all you foreign countryers from those countriers think also that Goofy Cum is one of the bestest JariKurris of the world.

P.S. Goofy also had a son who played ice disc, his name was Siim Cum. He was a good defender man in Saimaa's Ball, but then asshole Batman Enemies stole him but did not let him play and ended his career. It is always very bad idea to go play ice disc to Batmans Enemies from Saimaa's Ball, but it is very good idea to cum from Batmans Enemies to Saimaa's Ball, go ask players of Keijo IPreserveDitch or Timo IslandRapids.

In the end, I want to tell a fanny joke I will just make up while I am writing: Why did Goofy Cum crossed the road? - He was drunk. Ha ha ha ha!!!!

 

[Lager Lager]

Checking quickly this thread and I just want to quote my idol Andrew Dice Clay:

"So many assholes... so few bullets."

;)

 

[Andji]

It is quite astonishing no one hasn't mentioned songs related to Finland's ice hockey teams. So here's a couple of songs (Rauma's Lock's and Turku's Ball Company's):

Lock Song

Again to Old Man's Swamp people flow like a belt buckle,
when Lock takes measure of it's puck opponent.
Not to jacket is coming tonight, this match is going to be won,
I trust in Rauma's posse, this match is going to be tsempped.

Soon is going the Lock's vomit to be in opponents net,
and scream rough is gaining in the hall's stands.
More, more paints and man to the boards,
so yes then we will win the match.

It is hopeless to try to get points for free from here,
if you're hoping to win Lock you must do miracles.
Not to jacket is coming tonight, this match is going to be won,
I trust in Rauma's posse, this match is going to be tsempped.

Soon is going to Lock's vomit be in opponents net,
and scream rough is gaining in the hall's stands.
More, more paints and man to the boards,
so yes then we will win the match.

Paint It Is Honey

Hey uncle pull the chords of victory to the organ tee (tee pee es tee pee es),
not in vain came the opponent to Turku es (tee pee es tee pee es).
May soon see how the own net is swinging,
these boys of Abo are a very fair gang,
although sometimes in the middle of the game the caretaker shouts out: "paint, paint, paint it is paint it is..."

Honey, honey, honey for me.
Honey, honey, honey for you.
Uh oh, oh violin!
Paint, paint, paint it is paint it is...
Honey, honey, honey for me.
Honey, honey, honey for you.
Uh oh, the violin is playing!

I still remember guess they knocked Niekku over on the ice tee (tee pee es tee pee es),
and the bottom hit straight on the puck es (tee pee es tee pee es).
Already there a long winning pipe started,
although sometimes were arms and legs cracked,
on my old Comet's blade it still reads paint, paint, paint it is paint it is...

Honey, honey, honey for me.
Honey, honey, honey for you.
Uh oh, oh violin!
Paint, paint, paint it is paint it is...
Honey, honey, honey for me.
Honey, honey, honey for you.
Uh oh, the violin is playing!

This game is to us the life and spirit tee (tee pee es tee pee es)
there no one is master or servant es (tee pee es tee pee es).
When winning paint is born the cast will fall off,
they shout "The spectators and tepsi are one!"
and the boys want more of that sweet; paint, paint, paint it is paint it is...

Honey, honey, honey for me.
Honey, honey, honey for you.
Uh oh, oh violin!
Paint, paint, paint it is paint it is...
Honey, honey, honey for me.
Honey, honey, honey for you.
Uh oh, the violin is playing!

 

[JHag]

Thank you FASlapsi for updating Goofy Cums situation. What a marvellous fellow he is and was. Shortly said: alcoholic, not much of a coach and a failure as a human being in generally. Anyway, When Goofy was praised in Lappees Beach, it wasn't Arvi Lind, who joined the party. He was Juha Lind, who is Arvi's slave. It's a common misunderstanding that Juha is Arvis son. That's bullshit. Arvi bought Juha from a russian slavedealer, when Juha was a child. For only one purpose: When Arvi was in TV as a news anchor, it was Juha's duty to videotape all Arvi's shows. Juha Lind videotaped 7.254 VHS-tapes of Arvi's news and you can imagine the value of those tapes in the "street market"! I learned this expression from Police-TV during the years, when Raija Pelli looks even a little bit like a doable piece of ass. Must have been around Helsinki Olympic Games?

Finally it was Paul McCartney who bought those Arvi-tapes for the price of 1 billion, but later they all ended to Michael Jackson's property alongside hundreds of little boys and amusement parks. Some mumbo-jumbo jewish lawyer organized the rights for Arvi-tapes to Michael and Michael gave his soul to that bad man. He started by giving his nose. Well, Sir Paul has been very active after the unfortunate death of Michael Jackson. Jackson died 15 years ago but performed as a zombie many years before his official death. He choaked at cum, but good old Goofy has nothing to do with that! Sir Paul is in a winning situation in the fight regarding Arvi's tapes and there might be a chance, I emphasize: might be a chance that Sir Paul can release for the Christmas Market 2012 a single "Arvi Lind reading the news concerning early first snow in 1974". On the b-side "Arvi Lind looking very serious after M/S Estonias disaster". The B-side is instrumental, Arvi just looks serious. Bono is playing tamburine on both sides.

As you can see, Finnish Hockey has its long-drinks all around the world! Not to mention Finlands secret weapon in the race towards Mars: Our Game -plan. We are gonna make a perfect delayed arrival on Mars surface from the weightless side of Mars.

 

[bozik]

Not to mention Finlands secret weapon in the race towards Mars: Our Game -plan.

For those living in Southern Nigaragua who might not know the history of "Our game" it is good to know that it was orginally stolen from Sweden. So been, the history is very similar to one excellent biisi which they had back in 95 in Sweden. After we found out how good it was, we decided to take it into better use. The biisi was called "It's sliding in" and it was very popular that time all around the world.

There is one very special innovation made by our former president of the SM-Liiga Upi the Swimminghat. It can be translated as "The January Equalizer" and I am pretty sure that you cannot find anything like that from other leagues. Basically the idea is almost as simple as steam engine and everything is based on the idea that if you are losing almost every game, you can pick up your opponent ! And of course vice versa, if you win too many games you just have to wait and see if someone is willing to play with you. Simple brilliant!

 

[Johannes]

The best team from the beginning of the season until christmas-break was Kalevas Ball. Kalevas Balls winning hockey can not surprise anybody, because the dictator of Finland, so called president, was Urho "Kaleva" Kekkonen and if You have that persons balls in your team, you are supposed to succeed. The second best team was Aces from Pori. Pori Aces won a couple of gold metals in the 70`s, so maybe it is time to Zaborsky goal-scoring led by team to win something big this season. Third best was Bay Pelicans. A big chin bird from Bay, sounds a bit funny, does n`t it, but they have some serious coaching now, when Maybe Garrison Cap-nen came back from KHL and he is a true winning coach. Fourth was Helsinki Batmanenemies with reliable and relaxed coaching of Erkka Westergrove, who had little trouble to teach Bat-enemies to attack, because playing through great defense comes from his backbone, not puck-control hockey. From some odd reason seasons fifth best team HIFK`s name translates to Scuba and that surprises me. Scuba played an odd autumn. When they were supposed to win, they lost and lost, when supposed to win. Mikael Granlund played "heaven preserve"-hockey and that helped a lot Scuba. After a very lazy game against Saimaans Ball, coach Jet I Matikainen had players skate after the game, evening punishment and a player called Siim Liibay got so mad, that he had to be sent for a week to play minor-league ice-hockey in Kouvolas Puck. The sixth best team was Square Ball Club and their coach is our game golden boy Pekka Power, who invented puck-passing game and a forward can pass back to a defenseman in Powers playbook and then you try to attack again. Powers SBC-team passes and passes the puck and then they score, because other teams players get so bored, they don`t care anymore who wins, just want to go home again and play against somebody else next game. Also Kalevas ball or Sword from Kuopio play our game, boring but effective hockey. Bay Pelicans play half-organized flow hockey, where also passing is important. 4 passes breaks any defence, says Tami and I must agree with him.

So, it has been interesting autumn iin sm-league and we hope even better games after Santa has brought us hockey tickets, equipment and other stuff to spend time between games.

 

[tant gredulin]

All this talk about Balls reminds me of the good old times when men were irony and ships wrecked. Also, two ships could meet in the night and after that marriages wrecked.

This reminds me of the Seniority-Sorority Meeting in January, where Balls can be irony and restaurants wrecked. Support your local seniles and meet them before it's too Late!

This reminds me of Jaws Little Mono, Zeppo Foxy and Jaw's brother Don't-know-Jack Little Mono. This reminds me of No-Jaws, Fartwall and the uplifting of Jari Fat-free Milk's shirt. There were no Balls under his shirt. Support your Balls before it's too late!

 

[JHag]

Finnis hockey's masterplan Our Game was very much around yesterday evening, when finnish president-candidates debated in MTV3. Sauli Niinistö, who is leading all the polls, was like an image of a total Our Game -Team: no risks, no real opinions, avoiding conflicts and mostly waiting others' mistakes. No entertainment, just results. That's why Niinistö will be chosen. One of his best rivals, Timo Soini is an image of oldtime-AHL-hockey; lots of action and thunder, hawaiji-tactics and when there is trouble, hiding it by raising voice and tackles! A full-proof goon! All the real HAAC -fans know in their heart that Soini would be our man, he is closest to the Bränd and The Sir Pena. Timo - educate them!

Eva Biaudet is like Espoo Blues: TCO - tasteless, colourless, odorless. The official candidate for all engineers. Sari Essayah plays Oulu tactics: religion. She has been a famous walker and everybody wonders why won't she just walk away. Paavo Väyrynen is an image of Turku BallClub, used to be something in the 90's and even earlier. Today he is harmless like Muhammad Ali after to many headinjuries. Even though you shouldn't lough at handicappes, but what can you do, they are funny! Paavo Lipponen is a proof that time travel exists. He is a CCCP-team from 70's. They were so fast and skilled then, but when moved into 2011..hmm..let's say that everything is faster today, starting from speaking and thinking and social skills. Paavo Arhinmäki is a promising Mestis-team which has a lot of hooligan fans and Pekka Haavisto - a very interesting tactic! When everybody wants to to get to the round 2 in the election, Haavisto is already a 2-man! The analysts say that he could come from behind in the end. Tawja Halonen, sitting president, whos era will be over, is like a same berry with Kalervo Kummola. Well, maybe a fungus would be better expression in this case. It's been rumoured that Tawja is also lefthanded (I am using a metaphora, try to figure it out) as Haavisto, even though she has a groundhog as a husband.

 

[Halmela]

Tawja Halonen, sitting president, whos era will be over, is like a same berry with Kalervo Kummola.

Mrs. Halonen is a MILF. A Moron I'd Like to Forget.

 

[Johannes]

I am happy, because Andy Collisions from the 1995 World Champions players got a prolonged contract with a Swiss-team SC Bern, who is played in the largest European cattlerink, where there are about 17000 people, when the place is sold out.

Rage Sum will go back to coach Avangard Omsk and the players are already considering that they ask hanging-strings as christmas presents for themselves, because Rage Sum is a quite a demanding dude, if he is your boss. Omsk-team is owned by non other than Roman Abramovich and Omsk has been a very good team in recent years, but struggling in autumn, so they want Rage Sum back.
èÏËËÅÊÎÙÊ ËÌÕ á÷áîçáòä - ïÍÓËÁÑ ÏÂÌÁÓÔØ
In sm-league Saimaan Balls announced that Pekka Tirkkonen will be their new coach 2012-13 and Hannu Macawstream continues coaching Weasels from Oulu also in 2012-13.

 

[Moonchild]

This is a common mistake. The name is half Finnish and half English. Peli is a Finnish word meaning game. Can is toelkki in Finnish. This hybrid name doesn't make any sense anyway. And neither does the opening ceremony at Hit Arena, where they hang this poor little creature by the neck above the rink before every game.

That last part of the name is little bit unclear for me also. This "cans" part might be somehow related to that big canned cheerleader, who was dancing in the Hit Arena many years. But I don't know. Other possibility is that it comes from verb "can". Then the meaning of the name would be something like "game can be played". But if here is some more history knowing Chicago of Finland citizens, I would really like to know the true story behind the name.

You have a little bit old information about that hanging ceremony, because nowadays you won't see it before the game in the Hit Arena. Maybe they think it caused bad luck to the team, because we were losing very many games which started with that ritual. At this season one can see little NHL style airship cruising over the ice before the game starts. This has been good change because this season team Pelicans have really got air under its wings as we used to say here in Finland.

But if I'm honest, I think the main reason for many wins in this season is our new coach called Maybe Suikkanen (sorry, I can't translate his surname). He is very convincing hockeydude who has big chin and much golden jewellery. And he also knows how hockey should be played. Before we had coach named Mike Hoping who had big teeth and who was good at shouting f-words. He had only two weaknesses. He didn't know how hockey should be played and how team should practice. At summer time he said that his teams have always been in a good condition. But when the season started, everybody could see that summer training have pulled towards ass.

I want to thank everybody writing this chain. Reading this is very good practice for english skills because of colourful and innovative language usage. Lets continue the same way!

 

[tant gredulin]

But if I'm honest, I think the main reason for many wins in this season is our new coach called Maybe Suikkanen (sorry, I can't translate his surname).

I believe his name is Maybe Blowjob.

Edit: Found this interesting prospect of the Half-Breed league Disc-VanDamme - Jesse Juntheikki. His name is very hard to roll over, but is possibly a distant cousin of Battle Axe’s Antti Redneck of Erkki? Christ Henry of Redneck?

 

[Stigu]

I believe his name is Maybe Blowjob.

Oh my god, the Juhlamokka fall again on my keyboard! I also Daffy(Duck)ed totally!

For all the west Samoans, Guatemalans, and south Trinidad people, who maybe not know tant gredu: She is a great fan of HAAC and specially one player who play there a long time ago: Gipsy Vompat. Gipsy Vompat was not an australian animal, as you now think in your stupid head, but she was georgeous handsome player, who play very rough. She used to fight with Marcus Ass-of-Cloth, who now play in HAAC. She also used to fight with Sami Helen Ius, who used to be the eighth reverse gear for Batmans Enemies, but now she is already retarded.

I am sure HAAC female fans also remember Erwin Latimer, whose johnston was well known, as JHag describe somewhere up there. Erwin use to sell souveniers of his johnston in HAAC DDR hall in the eighties (when Kajagoogoo and Culture Club were feimos). These souveniers cost 4 markka (soon coming back) and they were called Corn Dogs. I also buy these CornDog souveniers of Erwin's johnston but I never eat it in a Suikkanen-stylee: I eat it bite-by-bite.

 

[Sennin Wakizashi]

I believe his name is Maybe Blowjob.

Good seeingcorner, ma'am! But because his name ends with -nen, i suggest one thing: Maybe Little BJ?

Btw, Equalization of January is cumming too!

 

[tant gredulin]

Maybe Little BJ?

Hope this was not a suggestion to me. I am, as Stigu wrote, all ways owned to my georgeous Gipsy Vompat, who was an attacker of HAAC.

 

[Rod Weary]

Good seeingcorner, ma'am! But because his name ends with -nen, i suggest one thing: Maybe Little BJ?

Know your English! It's Maybe a Boat Shaped Little Hat (I prefer shortened version "BShit") . There's only a one letter difference, but a very meaningful one. There are two things about him that make me puzzled. How could he turn TBC from shite to gold? And even more confusing, how is it possible for a man looking like Frankenstein's Monster having such a beautiful daughter? There is also a more famous example: former Manchester Axe coach Frenc Frie Forest's daughter is a top-3 figure skater in Finland. I fancy her.

 

[JHag]

Oh my god, the Juhlamokka fall again on my keyboard! I also Daffy(Duck)ed totally!

You mean PartyMocca of course?

Nice that you also mentioned Erwin "Jorma" Latimer and his career with Corn Dogs. The concept of Jorma may be a little difficult for all our 3 foreign observers, but I'll try to do some clarification: "Jorma" is a quite common Finnish malename. This is funny, cause "Jorma" also means "Cock". That makes me wonder all the parents who have decided to name their boy Jorma...what kind of people are they?! Well, it is so that we have some great athletes carrying the name: Jorma Kinnunen, ex-javelinman, Jorma Valtonen, ex-goalie etc. I have a funny game for you foreigners: take the best javelinman of your country and decide that his first name means Cock in your language! From Hungary there could be someone called György? Now when you walk on the streets of Budapest, keep telling women (of course in your own language): I have a gigantic György ! Would you like to suck my György? etc. That gives you a good impression of the world famous Finnish sense of humour!

 

[FASlapsi]

Hello all you foreign countryers!

Yes, this issue of "Jorma" is a very twisted and sick drawing in Finnish language. I mean, there are thousands and milliards of people's walking in the streets of Finland, whos name is practically "Penis". In what else countryers could this be at the happening's? Its like having millions or hundreds of peoples in Englishland with name of Dick! No way that is possibility!

To make matters worse, there are even some Finnish people's, whose last name is "Jormakka". Can you believed in it? It is like having an Usaian people with a name of "Cocker". No one haves that name there!! At least not anybody famulous, can you think what it would be like to have examples some musician whose name would be Cocker, and then it would be written on the decks of CD:ees. That would be homo!

To make matters worst, this twisted family of Jormakkas actually have made all their three boy sons play hockey. Some years ago, an one SM-league team called JYP had a JariKurri who looked like a giant Dick wearing a suit. He was called "Swimming hat" because of his bald head, that was purposefully shaved so that he looked like a giant Dick wearing a suit. This sick cock loving weirdo thinked about how wonderful it would be to have all the Jormakkas in his team, and buyed all of them to play in one match. It was horrible. Message papers were filled of pictures of three Jormakkas! Childrens and gay-feared mans all over Finland still are traumatized from those times, and it is said that one of them was a norwaydian tourist, who eventually snapped and killed billions or tens of other codfishes in a island. He was so messed up he also had dressed up like a total Dick, he was wearing polices clothes.

This Jorma-thing is the shame of Finland, we are all very embarrased about it. Hope you still dont think about us badly.

 

[Pavlovin Koira]

To make matters worse, there are even some Finnish people's, whose last name is "Jormakka". Can you believed in it? It is like having an Usaian people with a name of "Cocker". No one haves that name there!!

But in YLE (= Genarel Radio) there has been a director named Jorma Kovanen, in english Dick the Hard. He must be a popular man on firms little-christmasparty.