SM-liiga in English

[Jaws]

Si si! (you see I can speak also española) Everything you have writed is grate but everyone has forged (or how do you bend forget to imperfect?) one man. This man has been in TBC as a player-navigator. His name is Ari "Arse" Vuori. Yes, he has a grate nickname. For what? I don't know, maybe he wanted that name himself! It also could affiliate to his grate navigations: or what about names like Mario Valerie-Trapukko (MVT, not MVP) or Steve MacArthy? We had that ski jumper also called Koudelka or somthing. Arse has also finded players like Mave Stoneshill and "The Messiah" (Anne Hauhtonen).

I think I have convinced you that Arse is a grate man! I am also sorry for those many grates in my text.

 

[JHag]

Tough times! It seems to be so, that my team HAAC is now taking 3-point-wins in a wrong way. Between the Carelia-tournament and Christmas HAAC played 12 games and took 24 points the average being 2 points/game. Now the SM-liiga accompanied by The Leading are considering to take at least 12 points away from HAAC. Reason: Not achieved by Our Game Playbook! That means also 15.000 euros penalty to HAAC for ruining Our Game Playbook. And 5.000 euros extra for bringing The Dog Shedden in Finland in the first place. What makes it even stranger, some hardcore HAAC-fans are supporting this because HAAC now is not as good as HAAC 97/98. Even though Brian Rafalski was practically ready in JFK with his sticks and skates to join HAAC.

HAAC 97/98 was a historical team, I mean really good. Even these days there are little pieces of this legendary team in SM-liiga: Erkka Westerlund, Jarmo Kekalainen and Jarkko Diamond. Odd enough, they all exist in Helsiki's other team, The Batmans Enemies. The reason for that is, that the owner of BE Harry Harkimo isn't well known from his original ideas. He usually copies everything HAAC has done before. The good side is that he also copies all the mistakes. I have heard a rumour that Batmans Enemies are gonna hire for nex season Bob Francis, Tom Cooley, Peter White and Eduard Zankavits. That's because they have all been in HAAC.

One famous TBC player has been totally forgotten in here! He is Petteri Nummelin and nobody else in this world skates so rapidly away from situations including contacts!

 

[JHag]

Today is played the last game before the land match break. It is played in Hesa, where Batmans enemies play against Saimaas Ball. I am going there, and if I still have no suspensions, I will write a short report for all you about the game.

I'm looking forward to your report and could you especially pay attention to Jarkko Diamond and his contact lenses? Do they stay on or does he have to bend over and look for them? I've heard that the contact lense he lost in last Monday's game hasn't still been found. Somewhere on the Hartwall Arena ice is also Jarkko Diamonds pride and toughness as a real hockeyplayer. Let's hope some of the missing things will be found. Viivi Avellan's strings are also missing but it happened somewhere else in the Areena. If you find them, take a good sniff!

I'm not much of a fortune-teller, but I think that Batmans Enemies are gonna win the game. But in the end I always trust Ari-Pekka Backwards and his enthusiasm as a coach and as a human being. He's is known as a genius and a visionaire. So, you never know what's gonna happen when SB comes to town from borderline woods!

 

[Clocks]

But in the end I always trust Ari-Pekka Backwards and his enthusiasm as a coach and as a human being. He's is known as a genius and a visionaire.

AP Backwards has definitely been worth his weight (about a heavy Rolex) in gold to the Lappeenranta Soviets, but let's face it - he's no Ray Strawberry. Still, he is an expert in turning shit into chocolate confection. He might be able to help our Police Coach with his bad breath.

Longpull yesterday was plus minus zero. Frustrated, I considered a hail mary in Manypull, but managed to keep my head. I'm just gonna eat that shit.

 

[Ck]

HIFK Sports club in Comrades Helsinki capitalcity

Hi, i also wan't to tell something to my favorite team, which is HIFK, i haven't read everything in this chain so someone maybe told these before you.

HIFK is team which some Swedish Reallyceumin student's start to before Finland was independent in 1897. There is also some other sports what they play like football, handball, iceball, hallball and track and field. Still my favorite game is icepuck or many called that in icehockey. There is different players and athletes who do those other sports but sometimes our hockeyplayer do those other things too. There is some people who has been in this team in a long time and there is possibility that they are the starters in this Sports club in comrades cause they are so old, like Frank Moberg who is dictator in this club.

Dirty-Harry wasn't available?

This Mullet-Matikainen also left home with his team a middle of the game during his tenure in this Half Finlands Team in early or mid-eighties. His assistant coach was Cock-Jortikka, well actually his name is cock in finnish, so the nickname was easy to find. Friends call him Cocksy.

So i talk more about icehockey- and puck. There is lot of people in the team who get lot of money to play this game and then there is some other people who doesn't play the game but many times they have play this game before and then they start, what we call coaching. Also coach get lot of money and many times they have nicknames like you can see what other writers has told.

Last year we won championship and our coach was former icehockey players Kari "nose" Jalonen who was our main coach, Kai Rautio was assistant coach and Sakari "midget" Lindfors was our goalkeeper coach. They have been play HIFK before in a long time ago.

Jalonen has to go away HIFK when he plays here because our former players like Matti Hagman (whos shirt hangin in our icehockey hall) bully him because his longjohns and here you don't have to rights to keep longjohns.

Lindfors was longtime our 1st goalkeeper, but that time when he play 1st, we didn't ever win to championship. One reason for that was because he was so little that he didn't can't reach topbar (in Finnish it's called ylärima). Then we buy new 1st goalkeeper Tim Thomas, who is now maybe best goalkeeper in the world and when he was our 1st goalkeeper we won the championship in 1998.

Then Lindfors soon stop the goaltending and then he start to tell other goalkeeper, how to keep the goal. Lindfors also get his shirt in roof to the our icehockey hall (like Matti "bullying" Hagman) and we usually put our players shirt in the roof to our icehockey hall if they have play longtime our team. There was also many speculation before that Lindfors is accidentally go to the roof inside in his shirt cause no one see him in a long time, still he get paycheck every month in HIFK. There was lot of rumours where he is and what he do, but then we see him back to our bench where coaches usually standing and i think someone give him some kind of chair were he could stand because he was so little and still you only see his hair. Someone also see him with little hockey kids asking to stick to the players, but kids bullying him and hi never get to stick.

Kai Rautio doesn't have nickname and i think it was because no one know that he was part of the team before we won the championship spring this year, at least me and many other think before that championship that there is memorial saltstatue which look like Kai Rautio, but afterwards we saw him to moving and he was the one and only Mr. Kai Rautio, not saltstatue.

This autumn we get a new coach-team and our main coach is Petri "shiteater" Matikainen, he has say one televisio program that he and his former team wan't to eat shit. Our assistant coach are Pasi Sormunen he is our former player who in past shit to our team and go to our rivals Jokers or "Joke" east in Helsinki Capital city. Maybe that's why Sormunen is our assistant coach cause he shit our team and our main coach like to eat shit. Our other assistant coach is Antti Pennanen, but no one know's ho he is and what he try to do there, only thing we know that he has coaching before other Finnish Championship team Pelican's youth but that's it. Maybe he do something there, don't know?

After last spring Championship won, our goalkeeper goach Sakari "midget" Lindfors left our team (still his shirt is in the our hall roof) we get new goalkeeper coach who still also play our team. He has play 2nd goalkeeper in our team in a long time and there is speculation that he was one of the starters- or at least play HIFK first time in 1897, when the student's start HIFK. Some says that he was one of the student and his real age is 120-130 years old, but this could be some legend our brand.

We have almost same players in our team this year than last, i think there is even better players, but "shiteater" with his assistant coach didn't know how to coach the team where is this good players, they only wan't to eat shit and also they wan't to players eat shit too. I still think that he has learn a bit how to coach this team cause now we are in FC-League list 5th after our rivals Jokers.

We have maybe best player in Europe in our team, Mikael Granlund who's last name sounds Swedish, but he don't speak that language very good. He get lot's of mediatime here in Finland and round a world cause he won last year Finnish Championship, World Championship and he is one of Finland only hope future in icehockey. Also one of the big reason that mediatime is because he make WC (wc means Finland to toilet "wc" or "vessa") goal against Russia in semifinals like never no one done before in WC. He took the puck to his stick and throw it to the goal and Finland wins, usually you don't throw that puck, you slam it or use your wrist and shoot.

That's why our president ask him to come to the president castle in our independent's day. We say that we have independents day because longtime ago after HIFK has been started we was part of Russia and get our independent 6.12.1917 and it was because former Russian dictators Lenin and Stalin gives it that to us after when they have killed to Russian Tsar who was leader in that country. Later the same dictator Stalin (Lenin die before) try to take a back that independent and start to war, but we shoot more Russian and we keep our independent but still we have to give some peace of our land away to Russia. Now we are part of European union so we don't have independent anymore like before, our former parlament and primeministers have give it away in free, but we have still littlebit our independent. Still our primeminister try to give everything away that we can be fulltime Europe country. Many people don't like that man and disagree him, but our parlament and primeminister will choose if we give away everything and we come to slave of Europe union.

Also i want to tell about our rival Jokers. I hate Jokers like usually HIFK fans do and many Jokers fan hate our team, but not Jokers owner. Joker teams owner is former HIFK fan and famous sailor who want's to buy HIFK before, but Frank Moberk who is our dictator don't want to sell. So he buy Jokers but i don't know if he still hate Jokers cause they never win the championship. Past to -90's they won many, but it was bacause they have best players then like Teemu "Finnish flash" Selänne. I don't know what is the reason why Jokers don't won any championships, but maybe it's because this half-Swedish owner still hates Jokers? Every year this owner "Hjallis" still say that they win and buy the players who has the best points in Europe. Also he always try to get some former HIFK players too, like this year he get Jarkko "Rat" Square (Ruutu) who has play HIFK before and many years in NHL. Some people says that Hjallis watch lot of text tv with his best friend, former Jokers CEO Matti "cardealer" Virmanen and then they buy the players who has best points in every league. So they have always good team in paper, but they still don't win anymore championships like past. Virmanen is not anymore in Jokers, still i believe that he's watching to text tv with Hjallis. There is now former Jokers player Keijo "Keke" (Keke means idiot in Helsinki slang) Säilynoja in Jokers CEO and former NHL player Jarmo "Keklu" (it's also slang and means knife) Kekäläinen to leader of the players. Kekäläinen was in HIFK sport leader in 1998 when HIFK won Championship, after that he goes back to NHL and starting to agent there and last he was assistant leader in St. Louis Blues and every summer he screaming to the players in summer when it was Blues time to scream player in NHL draft.

I hope this help some people who don't understand our Finnish language and don't hesitate to ask if you have some questions!

Edit: I write some more information.

 

[Käärityt hihat]

I have realley enjoyd of all of your writings. After a quick look I did not notice that anyone wrote about Espoo's team so here we go.

Espoo's ice puck team like to make much changes so they change their logo very often. This year they did not change their logo but they changed their head coach from senior constable Peter Mathsic to Larry Berryhill. Berryhill is pretty young coach, but he has done pretty well. Berryhill does not like to eat shit like senior constable Peter. In Espoo people have been happy that shit eater coaches now HAAC.

Espoo's ice puck team name is Blues. Nobody know if Blues-name refers to music or colors. Blues previous name was Puck-Espoo and some people still miss Puck-Espoo name. Jude Salo's Ditch owns Espoo's ice puck team. Salo's Ditch is a great man and everything he does is perfect. Salo's Ditch has not been satisfied with Blues ventilators and wants to sell Blues. Too bad nobody want to buy team.

Blues number 1 goaltender this season is Peter Birchy. Birchy started really really bad and let very easy goals in. After Birchy bad start he started playing better. Unfortunately he not play at the moment because of personal issues.

Blues has sold this season two of their importantest defence men to Russians. Victor I-Can-Afford is perhaps Blues best defence man now since Jerry Karabay has been traded to Russians. Blues attackzone is not very good, not star players like in HAAC. Maybe Blues best forward Peter Sheepisland is injured at the moment. Tony "No hair, no pubic hair, no hair whatsoever" Cahcone is very Blues looking like player. Camilo Thinking has born in Columbia and he looks like a drug seller. Maybe he even is also? Blues defence man Michael Crane and Camilo Thinking had very nice mustaches last month.

Blues can win or lose to any team in finnish hockey league. Except HAAC, to which they almost always lose.

 

[Pavlovin Koira]

Thank You Rolled Arms of your Espoo-report. I would like to add that We have a very hard tackling defenceman named William Wealthy. Sometimes he gives some nice passes too. I also like our young defenceman James Hookhead. He is a very big guy. Very, very promising player.

I heard that some of our fans have some kind of of conflict yesterday on Poris Neanderthalcave. I wasn`t there so I don`t know exactly what happened there, but alcohol must had something to do with it.

 

[Käärityt hihat]

I would like to add that We have a very hard tackling defenceman named William Wealthy.

Lol, I thought his name was that Victor I-Can-Afford which I mentioned. Sorry, my bad, you were correct. Or maybe beloved player has many nicknames?

I agree that Blues ventilators did not behave very well in Big Hill's Hockey arena yesterday. But it is very difficult to know the truth. Some one had said that he did not rip chair off, the chair rip off itself? What can you do in that place... Big Hill's Hockey Arena is so old, that maybe chairs just rip off themselfs??

 

[JHag]

I heard that some of our fans have some kind of of conflict yesterday on Poris Neanderthalcave. I wasn`t there so I don`t know exactly what happened there, but alcohol must had something to do with it.

The reason is obvious. We, who live in Southern Finland, are used to the fact that icehalls have some modern conveniences like running water, toilets inside the house and electricity. Since Pori Icehall has been built 2 years after The Giza Pyramide, people outside from Pori tend to get angry inside the hall. But we must thank Pori for one thing: even though almost everything is missing from BigHill Hall, there has never been any kind of lack of alcohol. It's a holy issue to Pori-people, which are actually nice persons when you meet them in small crowds. Appropriate size of a nice crowd of Pori citizens is 1 (one) person.

Ck: Thanks for your nice memories of our team. I would like to point ut that Kari "Nose" Jalonens troubles in HAAC as a player and a coach occured mostly because of his roots. Yes, he is also a wash-proof Lestadian from Oulu area. He succeeds as a coach mainly because at home he was the oldest child and had 19 sisters and brothers. The same amount as a hockey team has players! No wonder he got used to organize this kinda crowds. By the way, Kari Nose Jalonen really has an enormous nose and he's very afraid of ordinary flu. If a normal flu enters his nose, it will never ever find a way out!

 

[VT]

Kai Rautio doesn't have nickname.

Actually he does, Ice-Drill. Ice-Drill played a long time ago in SM League and also in HAAC with some great players like Darren Boyko and brothers Jukka, Pekka and Seppo.

Darren "Hangover" Boyko was famous for his mustaches and because of those, Hangover is now one of the statues in the Hockey Hall of Fame in Toronto. I can't recall anymore the surname of Jukka, Pekka and Seppo, but they were great players and could have dominated also in NHL. Unfortunately they did not want to. Of course there was also Harry Cashland, but then he started to be a banker and a pussy as a boss of the HAAC, who hated the ventilators.

I agree that Blues ventilators did not behave very well in Big Hill's Hockey arena yesterday. But it is very difficult to know the truth.

In my opinion the most important point in this was the surprising fact that Blues ventilators actually do exist. It took a long time to find any. Revolutionary news indeed!

 

[Jopi]

I was today at an ice puck game in the Orage Soda Arena. I propose that hereafter one shouldn't refer to the team founded by Quite Hilly in '67 as Batman's Enemies because then it might be mixed to Pittsburgh Penguins, who are also enemies of the dark knight. Instead, the name Wild Cards should be used.

Tonight the Wild Cards beat SB 7-2. SB changed their paintguardian already in the first period, and Millcape did indeed play a bit better, but even he couldn't do anything about the underpower paint scored by Jarkko Square from a nice feeding by Tom Hill. SB's defenders weren't very good today, especially the stardefender Lintner. SB headtrainer A-P Backwards was not satisfied with him either. Wild Cards' guardian, the Hungarian legend let the first paint in a bit too easily, but made some good blocks after that.

Whole Wild Cards team played pretty good tonight, except for the second period. Even "Mast" got a paint today! Also last season's power chain Bay-Coilly-Little Pulkki (BCP) played an excellent match. I am happy that we managed to break the losspipe before the Christmaspause. I hope we get our oneguardian Shieldy back after the pause. Maybe then we can find the lost evenness and get to the top three in the trunkseries.

 

[Red Machine]

Kai Rautio doesn't have nickname and i think it was because no one know that he was part of the team before we won the championship spring this year...

There are rumours concerning a movie about HAAC's championship from last season. In the end credits Mr. Kai Rautio is credited The Man Who Doesn't Exist.

One very important question amongst the HAAC players(and admitedly amongst fans as well) is Who Fucked Suzki?! Usually the question is aired if the season for HAAC ends too early. During Pentti The Great's era, this question was asked very many times.

 

[Ck]

Ck: Thanks for your nice memories of our team. I would like to point ut that Kari "Nose" Jalonens troubles in HAAC as a player and a coach occured mostly because of his roots. Yes, he is also a wash-proof Lestadian from Oulu area. He succeeds as a coach mainly because at home he was the oldest child and had 19 sisters and brothers. The same amount as a hockey team has players! No wonder he got used to organize this kinda crowds. By the way, Kari Nose Jalonen really has an enormous nose and he's very afraid of ordinary flu. If a normal flu enters his nose, it will never ever find a way out!

You welcome!

I think it's evolution thing to the people who born close to the North Pole that they have big nose. It's give's them a good protection to dangerous animals which only lives in that area like Polarbears and Santaclaus so they can smell those in the long distance and run away to some hiding place, which is often they own nose. Also it's easier to smell where their reindeer's are and gives them to good help hunting penguins or other animals, also fishing is easier, they don't have to use net. Lapland people don't have to find a place where to sleep, like regular people sleep in tent, they can sleep in below to they own nose. So it's kind of survival kit to the people who lives in Lapland.

Actually he does, Ice-Drill. Ice-Drill played a long time ago in SM League and also in HAAC with some great players like Darren Boyko and brothers Jukka, Pekka and Seppo.

There are rumours concerning a movie about HAAC's championship from last season. In the end credits Mr. Kai Rautio is credited The Man Who Doesn't Exist.

Thanks VT and Red Machine to that information, i didn't remember that! Kai's name also means Propably and he get that name, cause his parent's saw that he can't ever be sure of anything and if someone ask him some question, he always say kai (propably). That's why many HAAC fan's didn't know was he real or is he coaching or not. That was the also reason that, no one ask him to ever any questions and he looks like saltstatue.

Still the real Saltstatue in HAAC was a "man" (i don't know what is he or she or humanoid or just something that out of this planet, look, ghost and ugly woman who had most biggest head in the world, bigger than HAAC player Tuomainen, but i don't know if he has a brain at all?) who "real" name is Alpo "saltstatue-ghost-humanoid" Suhonen. He really could just stand and not be moving at all, like days or weeks - saying nothing and that was the best what he could gives us HAAC fans. When he open to his mouth - to HAAC fans it feels like some part of they soul try to escape.

I think Mr. JHag tell good historic this human(oid) and that ghost don't have anything good to give this sport, still no one know's why he speak this sport so much, maybe cause "he" is relative or some people has rumour, sister to our flowerhat aunt president T.a.r.j.a (To against rasist-judes-army) Halo. There is also quit good evidence that Tarja, Alpo and Juhan af Gran are all siblings!

One very important question amongst the HAAC players(and admitedly amongst fans as well) is Who Fucked Suzki?! Usually the question is aired if the season for HAAC ends too early. During Pentti The Great's era, this question was asked very many times.

Yes, i think that is little mystery to all! There is people who says that everyone fucked Suzki, but someone says it was only Pentti "hairdryer" "mustache" "hill-billy hair" "chewing gum" Matikainen who's fuck her? In that radio program there was also a man who screem that "who's fuck the Suzki, i kill him" and i think he sounds other Pentti. HAAC former player Pentti Lindegren who usually talk like retard, but when he get's vodka he also get's very angry like we say Finland "rähinäkänni" and then he can use clear words the other way round like people usually do. So i think he has to be Lindegren's wife or daughter or daughters-daughter, but i am not sure? Someone also says that Lindegren is a vampire and could be 400-500 hundred's years old?

 

[lucas]

A few more words about one of the better disc clubs in Finland, Espoo Blues. It is the only club clever enough to use an English name to begin with. Other clubs are mostly from ancient era when no one could tell English from Russki or a disc from a ball. That is why they call themselves ball clubs, comrades or somesuch. Maybe these clubs should be banned from this English discussion, no? But the ancientness and basicness are hot trends in Finland right now. The Basic Finns scored a big victory in the front municipality election and that explains why the basic and ancient clubs have more supporters than Espoo Blues. But Blues fanboys have bigger cars (upper mid-class minimum) whereas supporters of other clubs even in Helsinki area may not have cars at all and they roam to the disc games using public transportation. Can you believe it? Supporters of some other clubs outside Perimeter III do not even have jobs (and even when they did, they were welders). How are they supposed to have cars then, I don't know.

Actually there's also another club with an English name: Lahti Pelicans. But what happens in Lahti better stay in Lahti, at least if you ask from the Finnish Ski Union. Too bad for them, a Norwegian CSI and FBI doctor had different thoughts and everything was bared. They had been using hemohes, not to mention harder shit, in Lahti for ages and this fucking codfish eater blew it all. Next he will, what, tell all the world that in Helsinki there's a disc team that tries to improve their performance by eating shit?

The funniest part in the Lahti scandal was that the delivery director of the Finnish Ski Union said he had no idea that all the coaches and athletes and doctors in his country club were either dopers or liers, or both. Fucking great leaders we have. Is the HAAC delivery director aware that his team is eating shit?

Back to Espoo Blues. Someone already told that the guy who inherited a lot of sausages announced he will sell the whole shitload (the disc club, not the sausages). This was revealed in the biggest scoop ever in the history of Finnish ice disc journalism. The lady who bared everything is the best and most recognized journalist in the disc scene, Rita Or Well Los Angeles. Later, as was already mentioned, it turned out that it was all just a result of a bad hair day. What the fuck, the sausage guy had a bad hair day and accidentally dropped the biggest scoop ever - and the best of the best journalist just happened to be there within a hearing distance? June 6th 1944 wasn't the day of days, this was. Behind the big waters they say best reporters can smell a scoop. I say Ms. (or Mrs, who cares) Or Well LA probably did smell a sausage. Rumour has it that she is rather fond of celebrities who have a lot of crn in their pockets. The sausage guy has even more crn than famous Finnish center forward Crn-Essi. He played for the Jokes team can you believe it? He didn't play much though as he was busy eating pop corn and counting all the crn he made by doing that.

But you know what? There was another incident in Lahti which was hardly a coincidence. They had this well-known disc player, a Russki, called Li Ou Comm-Aro V (originally a welder). Now he may not be a coincidence himself but what can you say about this: Exactly 8 years after the ski incident in Lahti this Russki left Lahti. Another scandal for the Ski Union, whose former delivery director that I talked about earlier is now unemployed (but it is not known if he has welder blood in his veins). You see how pieces are starting to come together here like in the movie Usual Suspects? I tell you (and this is a public secret in Finland) that it is Jabba The Hut who is pulling all the strings in the background. That is why the delivery director was saying those stupid things, it was Jabba speaking with his mouth. But have the authorities been able to put charges on Jabba about the Lahti scandal(s), about the unemployment rate of Pori or about the alleged popularity and sales figures of stadium rock band Night (which are as believable and to-be-trusted as the popularity of the leading Russki party Homogeneous Russia in last week's Doom election)?

No. They have not.

And that is all I have to say about Espoo Blues.

 

[FASlapsi]

I propose that hereafter one shouldn't refer to the team founded by Quite Hilly in '67 as Batman's Enemies because then it might be mixed to Pittsburgh Penguins, who are also enemies of the dark knight. Instead, the name Wild Cards should be used.

OK.

So, now starts my report from yesterdays game, Batmans enemies against Saimaas Ball, for all you foreign countyers out there.

The match was very very exciting, at least at the begins, because we were very very worried that will we be able to go inside Hartwall Arena before the match has ended. Yes, this is true, I guess Batmans Enemies JariKurri, Hjallis "Sail man" Harkimo was having his little christmas, and he had all the flag selling girls with him in his sauna (maybe even Suzki was there) because there were only few of the most under aged girls left to sell flags to the game. Because of this the queueue to the flag selling hut was very slow forward going and so long, that the game was already almost over before we get to go inside the hall.

There was also this thing that every peoples was giving teddy bears to the hall and throwing them onto ice when first paint cums, but we did not get to do it, because already five paints had cummed when we got inside, and door peoples stole our teddy bears at the door and shoved them somewhere. Stupid Hjallis and his little christmas party with all the flag selling girls, spoiled the big christmas for everybody in the world.

Luckily, other paints were scored in the match still. Saimaas Ball scored two paints, can you believe it! Batmans enemies scored the rest, but lets not talk about it.

Our top defender man from Slowackia, Richard Lintner, was onto the ice always when paints were scored! He is so good! We also had two different paint guardians in the game, Batmans enemies only had one, and he was from a foreign countries called Ungari, so he is not a ice disc people at all technically.

Ari-Pekka Backwards was telling fanny jokes after the game, he was speaking that all the Saimaas Ball players and JariKurris should have gotten into the teddybear box and thrown to the pussy from the ice disc rink. It is fanny because it is truthspeaking.

Now Saimaa's Ball can happily go to the land match break, team is last in the trunk series. Why is this good? Because if you turn the trunk series table upside down, Saimaa's Ball is the first! Ha ha ha, this was just a fanny joke from me, we Finnish peoples have so good humour sense, I hope you all think so too.

I'm looking forward to your report and could you especially pay attention to Jarkko Diamond and his contact lenses? Do they stay on or does he have to bend over and look for them? I've heard that the contact lense he lost in last Monday's game hasn't still been found. Somewhere on the Hartwall Arena ice is also Jarkko Diamonds pride and toughness as a real hockeyplayer. Let's hope some of the missing things will be found. Viivi Avellan's strings are also missing but it happened somewhere else in the Areena. If you find them, take a good sniff!

Hello Mrs. JHag! I can happily report that Jarkko Diamonds contact lense was found. It was stuck inside the strings of Viivi Avellan, and those were wrapped around Hjallisses fourth chin in his little christmas sauna party. Unfortunately an accident happened, when Hjallis offered them to Putte Pig for sniffing. Putte, who had his ankles infected again, heard wrong, and stuck the strings and the Jarkkos contact lense inside a cannon, and shoot everything inside his upper lip. This was embarrassing because our flower hat aunt president Tarja Halonen was shitting next to Putte, and part of Viivi's strings were hanging inside Putte's lip when he started to talk about maggara rilling to Tarja.

In the end, it was Tarja who was found sniffing the strings, and then Jarkko was asking Putte to give his contact lense back, but when Putte asked what, Jarkko made turtles and contact lense is still inside Puttes upper lip.

 

[JHag]

In the end, it was Tarja who was found sniffing the strings, and then Jarkko was asking Putte to give his contact lense back, but when Putte asked what, Jarkko made turtles and contact lense is still inside Puttes upper lip.

Oh my God and Jesus H. Christ! It's a terrible waste of well-worn strings to put them in Puttes mouth. Putte can't notice any difference between Viivi's loaded strings, black sausages or sand. He brutally eats everything that ends in his mouth. Some things are not ment to be swallowed - really good wines, just baked bread and Viivi's strings. Their "thing" is in the smell! And if someone eats Viivi's strings, there is a good possibility that he will also get other strings aswell: several different human-dna-strings. Saimaa Ball couldn't score more than 2 against a goalie from Pusta area ? It seems to me AP Backwards needs Plan B for this season. Plan A was to lead the trunkseries when Christmas Break begins.

The question about Suzki is quite complicated. I think there is a conspiracy behind that. We think that HAAC players and Pena and Lindgren fucked Suzki. But that's the way everybody just wants us to think! I'm thinking of opening a site which will tell the truth about Suzki. Of course there will be debunkers but I'm sure that at least Psychodad will accompanie me! I will give you two reasonable theories about Suzki: 1) Nils Gustafsson did it. Yes, the Bodom-lake murderer. This time he wanted to do it the opposite way: get laid and not kill anyone! 2) And this is my favorite theory: Suzki was gently gangbanged by HAAC cheerleaders many times in a row. You could hear her moan: more more more...and that's why even the late Gary Moore has been a suspect.

Soon there will be Christmas and in Finland we eat pig's leg and give eachother tasteless, cheap and useless presents - nice!

 

[bozik]

...Because of this the queueue to the flag selling hut was very slow forward going and so long, that the game was already almost over before we get to go inside the hall...

This needs to be corrected immediately. You cannot give the glory of a briliant ticket selling system to Hjalmar the Sailor. This unique system was created by Mathieu Weirdman who actually spend 6-7 years in creating this system. The main idea of this system is to allow Mathieu to have some fun. He (or his assistants) have build up a small hideout cabin for Mathieu. When ever it is cold enough or heavy rain, Mathieu goes into that cabin and have some fun looking for poor people standing in the cold and waiting for their tickets. Some keywords behind this brilliant system, very old computers, broken printer, young blond girls, database errors and a la carte tickets.

I am very happy that Batman Enemies won last night. Thanks to Saimaa Balls unique game plan "South Savolandia urine head hockey", SB has often been tough competitor for Batmans Enemies.

 

[Rod Weary]

Actually there's also another club with an English name: Lahti Pelicans.

This is a common mistake. The name is half Finnish and half English. Peli is a Finnish word meaning game. Can is toelkki in Finnish. This hybrid name doesn't make any sense anyway. And neither does the opening ceremony at Hit Arena, where they hang this poor little creature by the neck above the rink before every game.

I think they should go back to team's original name Puck-Swift.

 

[JHag]

I am very happy that Batman Enemies won last night. Thanks to Saimaa Balls unique game plan "South Savolandia urine head hockey", SB has often been tough competitor for Batmans Enemies.

Talking bout Saimaa Ball makes me wonder what's Goofy Cum doing nowadays? He was a marvellous coach and ended up even to HAAC. His old line-up -mate The Sir Pena Matikainen was the Boss of HAAC and he did Jarkko Diamonds to good old Goofy Cum: -'Hey , you come to our coach and if you're getting fired, I'll leave with you at the same time!' Well, Goofy Cum got fired from HAAC and waited Pentti at the parking lot to accompanie him. Pentti came and said: -'Hey , I changed my mind, I'm not leaving'. That's the coachversion of Jarkko Diamond. After all, Goofy Cum got paychecks from HAAC about next ten years.

 

[Stigu]

Hello all you foreign countryers! If you manager read this chain-text this far, I hope you all now think that we finlandians are fanny, hospitability people with smiling faces, and that we welcome in our butiful country all foreign countryers (except neekers, young retired horsemen with knife, homos, lespos, hurris and ryssaes, and all pupil who look, talk, walk, act or smell weird. And all pupil who not like us can go hell and fuck they's).

I want now tell you about a dosi fuck-up Disc gang in SM-liiga. And that gang is called Kalpa. It is so fuck-up that you not know how fuck-up it is. I tell you why:

- the name of gang is KalPa, which meen steel weepon. The initial came from Kalevan Pallo, which mean they play (our president Urho Kaleva Kekkonen) Ball. But they play Disc! Why hell they call thems KalPa!
- KalPa representerar a weird tribe called sawolaiset. If you ask these motherfaccking runkkars anything, they tell you not yes or no, or 5 kilometers that way or it is red or yes I like it. They tell you itmightbeitmightnotbe. So whatever you ask these wankers they all time tell you itmightbeitmightnotbe. Can you imaginge two or more imbesil-rungars like this talk together for whole night itmightbeitmightnotbe?
- the gang come from Kuopio, where all pupil eat Fish Cock! If this not enough, listen to this: Wiime weakolla there was a story about a local pervo who had beaked and seljade Fish Cock without Fish. And all the twisted pervo-arscholes in Kuopijo bought and eat Fish Cock without Fish, which is Cock! How gaddam perwotwisted can you get?
- Two head leaders of gang are: Sam "K.A" I fuck and Kim "K.A" I fuck (the "K.A" come from initials Known Asshole) . So they play Disc but they are known assholes who fuck all time. Other KA is also neeker and other KA bangs other Disc players with her forehead but that is a notherstory.
- all players of gang are 150 cm long and bainaa 50 kg

And one more fakta: They leed the SM-liiga. But I wait for FSLapsi profetia obout the whole seriestable being put upside down.

 

[Red Machine]

The question about Suzki is quite complicated. I think there is a conspiracy behind that. We think that HAAC players and Pena and Lindgren fucked Suzki. But that's the way everybody just wants us to think!

This is absolutely true. Let's take a short moment to analyze this mystery:

1) We know that HAAC players have been asking the question. Hence, they do not know.

2) Pena didn't, as he was/is de Man, even bother to address the question. Hell, he was way too busy making some of the greatest quotes of our times in Finnish Hockey: 'No use for, get going while you still can!', 'Was there an impact? WAS THERE AN IMPACT?!', 'HAAC hasn't until this day given a final warning, NOW HAAC has given a final chance.' etc.

3) Suzki doesn't know. Or won't tell us. This is odd because every Finnish tart usually can't wait to announce in the media who've they've been doing. Perhaps Suzki doesn't remember?

4) The players who brought this mystery into the open no longer play in HAAC. This is extremely suspicious. One might conclude that the HAAC organization DOES know who did it but again won't tell us. This theory is supported by the fact that HAAC won't tell it's fans about ANY injury at all. So either the one who did it was injured or that whole thing is considered a mass injury which no one must know.

We must therefore conclude that the great mystery will always remain as such. Of course HAAC fans are used to this since during Pena The Great's era, we were fucked over every season. Sigh. But don't despair! Alpo The W(h)iner hasn't yet been brought into this mystery! As always, he has an opinion to everything concerning hockey in sm-liiga so we all live in the hope that the Great Philosopher of OUR GAME will one day open his wine-hole and reveal this great mystery to us. Perhaps he will even tell it Suzki too.

 

[JHag]

Alpo The W(h)iner hasn't yet been brought into this mystery! As always, he has an opinion to everything concerning hockey in sm-liiga so we all live in the hope that the Great Philosopher of OUR GAME will one day open his wine-hole and reveal this great mystery to us. Perhaps he will even tell it Suzki too.

I'm sure even The Great Whiner from Forssa will participate in this mystery. If Suzki received money for her services, the whole thing is the systems fault. Total capitalism! In Alpos wolrd women give it for free and you can see that by checking out Alpo's ladyfriends.

Stigu: Thank you for bringing up memories of Sawo....what a place! One famous hockeyperson from Kooopijo is Sakari Kuosmanen, whos size is approximately the same as one Kalpas line-up + one defenseman. Many people think that the maximum pleasure of hockey is present, when Antero Mertaranta shouts, Timo The Putte vomits, Kalervo Cuntface cums in his pants and Sakari Kuosmanen sings Finlandia. As a sidekick there is The Finnish National Team messing around at a state which is very near alcohol-poisoning. Sakari is The Kuopios big boy and unfortunately he is that literally. Thats why Kalpa-players are around 150cm / 50 kg. Sawo is a place wher yes means no, no means yes and everything else means maybe or couldhavebeenso. It is a mystery why Kimmo Kapanen is a .... coloured man. But his father lived and played hockey in Helsinki and the family lived in the same house as a famous basketballplayer Erwin Latimer. Everybody in Helsinki area knows the rest....for everybody else: Latimer had a legendary Jorma, like a baseballracket. It didn't matter during his glory days whether you were interested in this fact or not. You just heard about it and mostly from women aged 14-120 yrs. I swear to god, even Tawja Halonen was crazy about Erwin.

 

[stiflat]

If you want to go to see IFK's homegame in Helsinki you should know you have to have mustache, mullet and a chewing gum. Otherwise you can't get in.

And minor detail from the ice hall, there are some (lots of) cables in the ceiling, so if the game looks awful you can easily hang yourself there. Own ropes, please.

 

[Rod Weary]

If you want to go to see IFK's homegame in Helsinki you should know you have to have mustache, mullet and a chewing gum. Otherwise you can't get in.

Even better can happen. They might hire you for the new head coach. If your name sounds like a dog breed, you're a power forward in the next game. That happened to a couple of guys some years ago.

 

[Johannes]

HIFK was famous that we never fire coaches untli Ismo "shot put" Lehkonen was our headcoach 2000-01. He shouted "now comes repo man to Pesonen" and everbody thought "shot put" had commanded V-P Kautonen to confiscate Pesonen his health with a bad tackle and that was a mistake from "shot put", because TV taped the incident. After "shot put" got fired out new head-coach was Timo "silent" Flowershrub. Silent never talked to players or anybody else, so he too got fired before playoffs and The Sir Pentti himself took over. We played best of 5 against Lynx and it was a tight series. The fifth game lasted about 5 hours and we had to drink much beer, because there were 6 times 18 minutes time to spend drinking beer between periods. Finally the game ended and HIFK`s agitator Pasi Swallowedupkäinen made a mistake and Antti Brown scored for Lynx. The Sir Pentti was angry to Swallowedup and shouted at him bad things after the deciding goal. Then in the summer The Sir Pentti hired as a head coach Sheik Malchijah, who used to shout foreign players "fuck you asshole", when Malchijah advised his playing style to them. Finally also Malchijah got fired too and HIFK hired Alpo Dogfood to coach the team. Dogfood did not like HIFK:s young goalie Yousef Richman and he wanted a sure winner for next year as a goalie and then HIFK gave a contract to Tom Fabricmerchant and Timo Valleyridge. Oh, that was bad goaltending and HIFK was in trouble again with goaltending. We hired then Dave Statehorse and he looked a good goalie until everybody found out his inabilities. That season ended against Airla Batmanenemies and Dogfood was so heavily beaten by Batmanenemies coach Rage Sum that Dogfood did not use his second term as a HIFK coach and HIFK hired Hannu Macawpower, who was a very famous Finnish Lions coach 1997-2003.