SM-liiga in English

[Iker]

SM-liiga almost had the Sports Academy winterklassikkoburger called off due to the weather not being cold enough for outdoor icehockey. It was only about -16 degrees on Friday in Helsinki, and the sudden heatwave in addition to the threat of the game being cancelled had everyone in southern Finland going nuts all day with people crashing their cars all over the place like a bunch of blind fuckers.

Thank god it seems as if winter is finally back after the long 24 hour wait and at least our home thermometre is now back at -23 degrees. With a little help from the wind that just might be cold enough to equal and feel like -50 degrees, which should be enough to have the melted ice in the rink refrozen before it´s time to drop the puck.

If it gets any colder, we might have over 30 000 people freeze to death by the end of the hockey game. That would be the biggest tragedy in sports history and something for the NHL to try and beat in their own klassikkoburgers.

 

[bozik]

If it gets any colder, we might have over 30 000 people freeze to death by the end of the hockey game.

I just got some tips how to avoid freezing to death. For those people suffering asthma, we recommend to run up and down the stairs in the stadium. That will keep you warm and you feel good!

Don't try this at home!

 

[Johannes]

The official cold is -20,7 degrees now in official Helsinki Kumshortage weather station, so will the winter-classic game be played today or not. Well, that is a question, would a danish smorrebrother say, artist formerly known as Hamlet.

 

[bozik]

The official cold is -20,7 degrees now in official Helsinki Kumshortage weather station, so will the winter-classic game be played today or not. Well, that is a question, would a danish smorrebrother say, artist formerly known as Hamlet.

Is this the same guy who had a human skull in his hans and he was wondering whether to live or not ? He must be relative to Petteri Sihvonen and Petu.

 

[Johannes]

Is this the same guy who had a human skull in his hans and he was wondering whether to live or not ? He must be relative to Petteri Sihvonen and Petu.

That skull was btw. Royal "Jesters" skull, so there is a link to Batmans Enemies in that story, because a jester is almost same as a Batmans Enemy. Mr Hjallis, a Sibbo Landlord, was once an owner of Newcastle Jesters Team, which he let die, because ice-disc is not good business in Great Britain. Perhaps Mr Hjallis still has a Jester skeleton and a skull in his closet.

 

[bozik]

Perhaps Mr Hjallis still has a Jester skeleton and a skull in his closet.

He has, I have seen the skull. It is right next to Mononen's jawbone which lord Hjallis won in a poker game against Heikki Mälkiä (heii-giii maelkaei).

 

[Stigu]

I just got some tips how to avoid freezing to death. For those people suffering asthma, we recommend to run up and down the stairs in the stadium. That will keep you warm and you feel good!

And if you have a reelly serious astma, you can run up and down to the stadium thorn, which has 174 stairs. Or even better: take the hiss (Otis or Kone) to the thorn and your astma is gone in less than 10 seconds. While in the hiss you can sing the famous fanny finnish song water hees was sizzling in the hiss water hees was sizzling in the hiss.

I really excited about todays game. I I-koa to watch it from my Ektorp ( a famous finnish Ikea sohv). That way I not have to run up and down any stairs. Because if I did, our neibour would stair at me.

I hope that Jake Diamond not freeze himself into the ice, he normally fall onto ice at least 2 times per exchange. Think if he falls onto ice and his lip get stuck in ice! His teammate Vaeaeaenaeaeaen would have to use his stick to get Jake's lip from the ice. And what if part of Jakes lip would get stuck on ice- the zamboni man would have to do the ice all over again. Even worse: what if part of Jake's lip would get stuck on Vaeaenaeaeans stick- would it then be called lipstick? And even even worse: what if after this Vaeaeaenaeaean would hit Granlund into face with her stick (like she normally does) : Somebody would have to tell Micke that he has lipstick allover her face.

Also if Jake loose his contact lense like she normally does, it is too cold to start search for it, and the dressroom is too far away to go to put it back in the eye.

I also watch with great interest the new Batman Enemy reverse player called License. License is a left-over that use to play also for HAAC. He play good until a neeker's brother tackled him in Kuopijo. After that License never be the same.

I also hope that the hungarische paint guard not play for Batmans Enemy, he not used to this cold weather. It is so cold that even I watch the game and have my daily underpant-drunk using long underpants.

 

[fiftyeight]

- - -
It is so cold that even I watch the game and have my daily underpant-drunk using long underpants.

I will be with you in spirit. And in spiritus.

I was messing yesterday in Tsaivaskaila and now I have a terible hangover. So must ai get my canoons on.

There in the mess was an aquarium and there were power transformers sunk in the water. Then there was a poll and you had to find a fish. I didn´t find any. Only mirries around the place.

In the way back home one old drunken bitch poured full glass of beer over my head and now I am so wet that ai cannot go to the Winterclassic ´cause I´d freezen.

So, back to the beginning, hail to your underpants! Cheers!

 

[Stigu]

I was messing yesterday in Tsaivaskaila and now I have a terible hangover. So must ai get my canoons on.

Goddam fiftyeight (fiftyeight in finnish) : I was also in Tsaivaskaila last weak, but I not feel weak, nor have any canoon. Lot of pupil there go to this saehko-mess, all hotels full of assholes and drunken bitches. (I often wonder why everybady say that there no bitches in Finland. There's a lot of sunny bitches even in winter time in Finland.)

If I knew YOU there as well, I would propably have canoon. So maybe good I not know.

And you have to use the Sir Pena to dry your hair.

 

[flogi]

I don't think Jakes lip freezing to the ice is worstest thing to happen. Think if Jakes hidelens falls off and get frozen to ice. To Jake that is most worstest thing to happen and very close to death situation.

 

[bozik]

And you have to use the Sir Pena to dry your hair.

I know you HAAC fans are strange, but please, Pena is retired, do not use him anymore.

By saying this I know, 58 is currently pushing his head into Pena with a smile on his head. No more canoon.

And Stigu, Jake Diamond has been best player in Batmans enemies for a long time. Unfortunately, this tells more about the team than Jake. I hope Petu will not freeze his nose!

 

[fiftyeight]

- - -
If I knew YOU there as well, I would propably have canoon. So maybe good I not know.

And you have to use the Sir Pena to dry your hair.

Really, chilli willy, yuo´ve been in capital of centre Finland alzo. Amazing grace, how smaal is this world.?

Btw. there was one fuckmistakedevil in my earliyer writing. I wasn´t messing around, but messuing. Maybe i wrote that wrong because ai was confused about the similarity to a chinese word "mess-sui-hin". Still I don´t know what that means but the big boys in the yard were laughing to that and that´s why I didint want to mention that at first.

And my so-called-openairwife´s The Sir Pena was broken yesterday. All the saehkoe came out with blue gas and ddr-fuse was also broken. That´s why I had to walk to Alepa and buy a case of beer.

 

[Kerouac]

First of all, I would like to send my condolences about all that misinformation people have been talking about HIFK (Helsinki Sporting Comrades, hereafter HSC),

Because, I've been told that HSC really isn't a sport club. No, the real conspiracy after HSC now needs to been told.

As we all know, Norway is the country of utter evil. I've been told that many of the Norwegian bands do deliver idea of Satanism. Most famous examples include such bands as Gorgoroth, Burzum and A-Ha. To prove my vision right, HSC have drafted a goalkeeper Mika Norja (= Michael NORWAY). I once interviewed mr Norway, and he looked straight to my eyes and told me he is part of multinational conspiracy.

Going to Satan's Church (or Nordenskiöldinkaudun Jäähalli, as they call it, which I believe has been written in Old Norse) is pretty easy. You just go to the city of Helsinki and follow the queue of mullets, denim jackets and cowboy boots. Some may think it's part of the irony. But no,true HSC fans never understand the idea or irony. If you ask average HSC fan what irony means, he thinks it's Rony Ahonen after a sponsor deal with Apple Inc.

You may think what is the next thing happen now. You may think you end up watching a ice hockey game. But you couldn't more wrong! You end up in a satanist rite, where cult followers drink Christian piss, which they call a KOFF beer and keep on shouting their magical spells such as "aja!", "vittu kun meidän molari taas kerran petti" and "tuomari on vitun homo" .

Or so I have been told... I don't want to mention the "D-word" now, so I don't

With greetings from Interlaken, Switzerland,

Kerouac

If any typos do occur, it's only because I'm having a cobweb-thin French-styled afternoon drunks with my fellow mates such as Pentti

 

[Stigu]

And Stigu, Jake Diamond has been best player in Batmans enemies for a long time. Unfortunately, this tells more about the team than Jake. I hope Petu will not freeze his nose!

Ma frieend , you were right again. Jake Diamond was thodellacin a good player yesterday. No kueuekkueeue-baska positions in front of laida, no hugging of players legs from ice-position, no loosing of contact linsses. Yesterday Jake played like a real HAAC player. Problem is he belongs to Batmans Enemies and is therefore contaminated by Batman's Enemy-waste for ever. Good thing we have Willie LittleField , Edgar SummerMountain , Mickie Already-Reeling and Jonathan Richman in our team so we not need any contaminated players.

And Petu's nose looked ass red wie Rudolph Reindeer's nose yesterday. I hope he did not eat those bleeding cats that they have in BeachofLappee.

 

[Immortal]

Players in SM-liiga must be reported to Animalia because they keep on beating the Lynxes. Even the fans of these beautiful northern animals have been fed up with they're pets. Not to mention they're owners whose handling of these wildlife beings is beyond all dignity and could be regarded as animal abuse.

Save the Lynxes!

 

[Tpip]

I asked another longtimer as HAAC-fan, what will happen, if the shit eater continues his career as the coach of HAAC. Will our children choose Batmans enemies? He said: "if you tolerate shit, your children will be next".

It shout be asked also, what do you think the next happen now if shit eater hits the fan? And is it the same if the fan is HAAC-fan or some others team's fan?

 

[Frankie]

There was a horrible tragedy last week in Finnish elite league. One very mean reporter suggested: “We should detonate the office of Tampere Lynxes”. This suggestion made one of the Lynxes chairmen Mr. LittleMeska very sad. This particular suggestion made Mr. LittleMeska to resign, and gave up his dream “Championship of 1.division year 2013”. Mr. LittleMeska in cooperation with fossil called Hiitelä have built a very strong team for the struggles in 1. division year 2013. They hired a smooth lipped English language professor Raymond LittlePearl as a coach. In addition these two geniuses created a new tactic in ice-disc: Your all forwards can be losers if you have diamond hard defense and goalies. Now all this is gone, because of this one dickhead reporter. However I predict next year Lynxes will achieve their first medal since stone age in first division.

 

[fiftyeight]

- - -
Save the Lynxes!

That needs money. And you do not have it. Economy in Finland is also bad and Kummola´s friend´s business is going bad.

Only way to get Lynxes saved is to rehabitate them to Ähtäri. It is not so far away and you can always go to see them and feed them and.. maybe some day go back to Tampester, ya know. I hope some people will still remember you. Maybe Hiitelä, or at last his son.

 

[FASlapsi]

Hello you everybodies in the outer courteney coxes!

Last weeks I was living in outer countries myself. Can you believed it? I am now almost a foreign country people's too. This morning, I looked at the mirror, and there was looking this neeger who looked almost like me! I yelled "Get out of my country, go to job, but dont steal my job, or my wife! You neeger!" but that neeger just yelled the same things for me. I was so confused. Now I know how it must feel to be Sam Little Kapa, brother of a neeger.

Anyroad, when I was living in foreigners countrys called Maleezia and SingaPori and Thai-shemale-land, everybodies was of course contsantly asking me what is happening in SM-league and why did Finland loose to Poccha in the disc game that was played inside some big, roofless Hartwall Arena. I held many press conferences where I told everybodies that this years SM-liiga is no more interesting, stop asking, and that Finland loosed to Poccha because Pocchans now how to play outside because they are all poor hobos who have no homes or buildings in their foreign country, only tractors, vodka and Rick Roll.

I must also tell you that I was very disappoint with this place called SingaPori. I was expecting it would be full of singing welders, like that one in Youtube who songed very beatifully the song Swansong from the famulous Porian band Night, but with words that was talking about the ice disc team S-letters. But no, instead the place was full of small peoples with vino eyes who had jobs and money and brains. Nothing like the peoples of Pori. Why they call their outer country SingaPori if there is not one Olli Lindholm in the country? Stupid foreign countryes, get out of my country! In the country with the habit of the country! He lives in a house, a very big house in the country!

I now wonder what you all foreigners think about me, but also what Finlandese peoples think about me. Because now I am a neeger, I already feel that everybodies are racists and I dont want to work anymore, I just want to stand with Fubu-clothes on in the Station Tunnel and steal wallets and purses from stupid racist finlandian peoples. Where is Sossu? I want money to get Fubu-clothes!

 

[Johannes]

I was last week in i-Psaan-ya like You-now Tuur-ha-pjuuro used to visit, when he was president of Finland, before lesbian-Tarja and now next week gay-Pekka or was it that stupid hetero-normal Sau-lee who has a baby-doll wife, female, Jenni who is even not sister to Marcel Jenni, a good swiss ice-hockey player, but something like Yawn-io or Pike-o. Now foreigner-clown readers, can you believe it, we have a heterosexual president in Finland, which I think is the first time in history in any country. So stupid.

Now I was in Barcelona and I told everybody spaniard that we have invented their football in Finland in the 60`s in ice-disc and we call it "our game". It is our game, not spaniard game or any FC Barcelona`s style. A person called Johann-S Cruyff visited one time early 70`s in Finland and watched ice-disc in Nordis between HAAC and Batmansenemies and that lit a light bulb in his head. He went back to Holland and told everybody that pass-pass-pass, never give ice-dics or football to other team and finally score. Everybody of course laughed at poor Cruyff in Amster-Dummies City, but in later years he was so disgusted about Dutch people knowledge about our game that he moved to Barcelona and taught them who to play Finnish ice-disc in a soccer-game style and rest is history. This thing I told everybody in Barcelona and they treated me like a prodigal son of Johann-s, who finally is back home. That was nice, because ice-disc is the master playbook game and all countries must know it, when they play other ballsports than ice-disc. So me, after teacher times 4 days in Spain fly-hard back to Finland with wife and we fly also from Helsinki in Ole Å Borg watch Weasels play HAAC in Energy Arena. The Arena may have energy, but poor Weasels did not have any energy and HAAC collected an easy win 6-1. Willie Peltounen scored twice and he was our main man in that game. iLarry Melart Huml-iated one their player several times, who had a funny golden helmet in his head. A great week cruising between Barcelona teaching spaniard people where is their football origin from and then in Ole Å Borg watching Weasels and HAAC play ice-disc. Is Björn E and Ole Å somehow relatives, because they are both Borg, perhaps brother cities.

 

[Winspector]

We Pääkkönens do not defrost this kind of game! Please, help us Anja! Bobcat is in deep shit...

 

[FASlapsi]

Hello, you homo-Hitlers and everybodies others from the outer countries!

I have special friend new's for all: this season of SM-league is again intredasting! It is OK to be asking about this season again!

Reason for this is the sfeenix-bird like rising up of the mostest interesting disc team of Finland, Saimaa's Ball. The genious JariKurri of the team, Ari-Pekka Backwards, who has always been loved and lusted by everybodies in Lappee's Beach and also in other cities and beaches, has now made the Saimaa's Ball team so good, that even when opposities have four extra players with zebra-shirts on ice, they lose to Saimaa's Ball. This is truth, it is out there!

Yesterday, the mostest media fucked team, HAAC, cum to Lappee's Beach. Like in last HAAC-Saimaa's Ball game, the mallets were again saying "No paint" when Saimaa's Ball made paints, and said "It is paint" when HAAC made paints off side. But then, Willie Little Paala, the BombMachine of Hackal, skated to the mallets, and smiled like a retard. All the mallets were so confused and scared, that they accidentally swallowed their straws, and then when Saimaa's Ball made more paints, they could not say "No paint" because they were choking on their straws. Just like Lassie Little Cock was doing with his imaginery gold medal from olympics.

So Saimaa's Ball scored almost millions of paints, and HAAC lost even though they had winned almost miljard games before the Saimaa's Ball game. And now Saimaa's Ball is on top of the pity dropping games line! Yes, I know you didn't believed it, but it is truth: it is readed in the message papers AND in the television!

Bobcat, the Tamperestian team who doesn't have carrot pants, have become Saimaa's Ball to Saimaa's Ball place, and is now the last and mostest worstest team in the universe, and everybody say "They are shame of the ice disc" when Bobcat is sayed. They have a rich owner called Steven Spielberg or something, but I guess he wears carrot pants in secret and puprosedly ruins the whole Bobcat team by selling players away like the pajatzo is emptying, and also getting some old confused mofo-retard called Sebbo Moutela to JariKurri the team. They are so bad that some fans have said that they will throw up their Little Koisti shirts on the ice. Can you believed in it? Neither can anybody else, because no shirts have been found on the ice. But still, Bobcat is doing very bad and they are in trables, and it might be that next year the mostest bestest English language speaking JariKurri, Raymond Little Pearl, might be JariKurring in the Mestis. You know, that Indian league where they burn local witches or something.

That's it! Now I will be going with my new best friend, Kimmo Little Kapa, to Station Tunnel. We meet Yani Hopela there, and then we go to Wilson Kirwa and have ourselves a really neeger time.

 

[Stigu]

Oh how I hate that Fasaanilapsi. Dear outsiders, strangers and aliens, please do not believed a word she says, he is so full of shit. I think he must be alien himelf, no true finlander so full of shit. He must be from foreygn cauntry.

Firstest, Saimaa's Ball is like a Penis-bird (I not talk about my Penis now, this is somebodys elses penis) : It is funny, small, smelly and weak 95% of the season. And then when it finally shows signs of election, the season/bedtime is over and the Kalervokummola/Bitch says: "It is time to put your clothes on and pay. Better luck next time arschhöle. It is 200 €" (this happen to me ones in the restaurant called Lappee, which is full of hookers, a.k.a women from Beach of Lappee) . And then all the SaimaaBallians can go and eat atoms and hydrogens for 5 months and remember the short time when the Penis-bird was rising. And they can all choke in their hydrogens and atoms, when they think: oooh think if the Penis-Bird had been rising earlier! We could have scored!

Secondest, nobody even remember that there is a team called Saimaa Ball in the leag (OK, now I remember it, but I already forgot it. What was the name of the team?) . This year, 7 teams have forgotten to go and play in Saimaa, since they did not remember the team. Very often, in sports-damond (famous finnish TV-program showing the sports scores) the announcer says: "Today Lynx won....you know the team from Saimaa, whatchumacallit, by 5-4". In the TV series "do you want to be a millionaire", the 5 last questions are always about naming the players of Saimaa Ball. There ones was a professor who remembee three players from SaimaaBall (two were already dead) .


Thirdest, How can any team play their homo-games in a place called Race-Park? it must be an amusement park.Or are there many different races(like neekers, indians, asians and normals) that have parked there cars there or what? And think of a City whose swedish name is Will Man Beach! Sounds really homo to me. Also, the looser team play in shirt with colours of piss and kimmokapanen. Really wired and disquising.

And lastly. Fack you Fasaanilapsi! I hate you I kill you. I thought we where friends but you inhale (or was it insult?) me very much with your writing about HAAC.

 

[FASlapsi]

Hahhah, I am laughing, and as the saying goes, it bestest laughs, who lastest laughes.

Stigu, you got to taste your own medicine, and I hope it was some laksative and you are ribuling in your pants. Maybe afterwards, you could then send those pants to HAAC coach Peter Little Matikka, son of Fön-Facks Little Matikka called Bena, because Peter likes everything shitty, even HAAC.

Don't worry, we can still be friends even if you kill me. Because laughter longens the age (or was it something else that is longened? Maybe I should ask Old Len), I will anyway live for 600 years after all the laughening I did when I readed Stigus message. Either that, or then I will have something huge in my pants very soon, maybe even 6 cm long when in party condition!

Yesterday, the SM-league was played, and one of the games was supposed to be Bay GameCans-Saimaa's Ball, but for some reason the match was not played, don't ask about it, it did not happen, no no, no ten paints was scored by Bay team, it is not truthspeaking, don't read message papers because nothing is sayed there either.

 

[Johannes]

Wasland Ball did not have any balls yesterday, because they had heard about Bay City and Rollers and they left skates home. Too late at 6.30 PM, they found out, game is played normal ice-puck. Saying anything is normal when Bay Gamecans meet Wasland Ball is exaggerating, so 10-3 score is usual stuff. Richard Woolmountain was like a shakesperian character as a goalie and i had to ask myself: "Is Richard III", when he died in the second act 2 times and Ball brought in Millpeninsula in paint and my god, he was even worse acting as a paintguard than Richard Ill yesterday. He even refused to die, even after 6 paints scored behind him. What lousy acting performance, conducted by non other than Mr Jaar-mou Mills, who is of course WC-1995 paintguard himself.