Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher? He couldn't control his pupils.
"I stand corrected," said the man in orthopaedic shoes.
I've just got back from a friend's funeral. He died after he was hit in the head by a tennis ball. It really was a wonderful service.
Did you hear about the band who were due to play a concert against teenage pregnancies? They pulled out at the last second.
What do cheap hotels and tight pants have in common? No ballroom.
To whoever invented the zero: Thanks for nothing.
What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.
Vodka, whisky, tequila. I'm calling the shots.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can't think how I can ever repay you.
Did you know "emas eht yltcaxe" is exactly the same backwards?
Dim light bulbs or bright light bulbs? Watts the difference.
Exercise bikes get you nowhere.
Many people are worrying about the affects of genetically modified crops. "There is no proof of any adverse effects":said one carrot.
I never question myself. Why should I start now?
There's a gang going though our town, systematically shoplifting clothes in size order. The police believe they're still at large.
I'm not a fan of shopping centres. Once you've seen one, you've seen the mall.
How do you find a blind man in a nudest colony? It isn't hard.
Yo mama's so dumb, she bought tickets to see Xbox live.
So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere...
Why is Peter Pan always in flight? He Neverlands.
Just told my joke about Peter Pan again. Never gets old.
I saw this advert in a window that said: TV for sale, £1, volume stuck on full. I thought to myself, "Well, I can't turn that down!"
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
Did you hear about the angry gymnast? He just flipped.
Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party? He was looking for a tight seal.
I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.
Someone said my clothes were gay. I said "Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning."