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SM-liiga in English

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1936

Jäsen
Suosikkijoukkue
1963 | 2021
There are many legendary players playing right now in SM-liiga. Or what would you say about players like Ox from Joroinen, Niirala´s Maltsev, Redbeard Vatanen, Magician from Tesoma, Hillbilly Assi, three meter Koskinen, North State Noronen or Dominator?
 

FASlapsi

Jäsen
Suosikkijoukkue
SaiPa
He is not "a neeger" (what does it mean?) . He is a nigger!!

Sorry, I did not knowed what a "neekeri" is in Sawo. But now I know.

I hope we doesn't get suspensions, because I am already writing about Robert Jekimovs and his Latvi'an skills of stick.

Fun to know: Did you know, that Lappeenranta Arena is actually called "Kisapuisto", which in English means, "Racepark". It looks like a navet (cow-house) but it doesn't matter, it is still a very good ice hall and people from Lahti (they are called unemployed tire-throwers) often come there and show their respect by volunteering to remont the hall and donating their little money for the SaiPa by throwing them up in to the ice.
 

JHag

Jäsen
Suosikkijoukkue
HIFK, Leijonat vm. -88 ja -92
Also I will tell you about KalPa's very weird player, he is Kimmo Kapanen and he is a neeger.

In HIFK we have a goalie named Dennis Endras. He's a nazi and he watches Derrick DVD's. We also have Jan Lundell as a goalie and he is also our goaliecoach. Lundell is a phenomenon. He founded HIFK in 1897 and is still playing! In HIFK we wanna emphasize always that our loss wasn't goalies fault. It was the other guys. After games we watch videoclips of opponent's goals and it's very easy to see, that even Brodeur wouldn't have caught them. Maybe you also know Juha "Trousers" Pitkämäki ?
 

1936

Jäsen
Suosikkijoukkue
1963 | 2021
My favorite Team is Rauma's Lock. We have had some great foreign players like Jimmy Provencher, Vladimir Myshkin, Michal Hreus. My alltime favorite player is Jari Torkki "wooden legs, wooden hands and wooden haircut". Favorite coach is Esko killer Sahlstedt or Mölli "almost cum in English" Keinonen.
 

Timbit

Jäsen
Suosikkijoukkue
HPK, BC Lions
My favourite team is called Ball Club of Hämeenlinna. The team has developed an interesting new strategy for this ongoing season; they have hired foreign players to be the roster drop-outs. Why? So that the top line positions can be filled in with own junior players and drop-outs from other teams. Everybody wins! Not-so-good players get all the ice time they want and the foreign players get pay slip for just sitting on their arses and eating popcorn (I've heard that one of the foreign ones uses some time in learning how to put on elbow shields properly but this rumor is not confirmed by anyone and there are no concrete evidence of any progress at this, either).

The downside of this can be seen from the league standings. But hey, no strategy is perfect!
 

Clocks

Jäsen
Suosikkijoukkue
HIFK
Although the Helsinki teams (HIFK and Jokes) are the only ones worth any attention, I am feeling generous and would like to introduce all you thousands of foreign SM-liiga fans to a couple of up-and-coming bands from the rural parts of our country.

First, there's Kaerpaet from Oulu. They hail from Lapland, and are constantly shitfaced because that's what those filthy Laplanders do. While other SM-liiga teams have a head coach, Kaerpaet is commandeered by an actual shaman. He decides upon the starting lineups by throwing some reindeer bones on a witch drum and makes up the game plan from how they fall. Oulu is shit town and should not be visited by anyone.

Then there's Aessaet from Pori. Representing the west coast, Aessaet has propably the most dedicated home crowd in the league. This is due to the fact that every man, woman and child in Pori is an unemployed welder, leaving everyone free to focus all their energy on their crappy little team. There's a saying about the Pori Madness, but truth be told they are just retarded. Aessaet is also locked in a fierce rivalry with the neighbouring native village of Rauma (population 853), but nobody cares.
 

JHag

Jäsen
Suosikkijoukkue
HIFK, Leijonat vm. -88 ja -92
The downside of this can be seen from the league standings. But hey, no strategy is perfect!

Is it true, that Hameenlinna's coach is called Nice-Harry? Normally hockey coaches are close to imbesills and very violent. Being nice isn't common in the Finnish hockeyscene. Dirty-Harry wasn't available?

I would also like to point out, that we have a very interesting series one level down from SM-liiga. It's called Mestis. Mestis means a mixture of a black person and an Indian. That's why the game is much rougher in Mestis. They even have one team that certainly will never hire any foreigners. That team is called KK, also known as KooKoo. Everybody knows that the third K is there too. KK plays in white long shirts and white hoods. After the game the hometeam usually burns a foreigner from the visitor's team. When the visitor doesn't have foreigners, they burn a local witch.
 

1936

Jäsen
Suosikkijoukkue
1963 | 2021
What about your favorite memories about SM-liiga?

My favourite memory is when Raumas Lock played playoffs in 2005 against Helsinki Sports Association Comrads. It was lock out season in NHL and thats why both teams had some NHL players.

The best memory was when Raumas Lock and Helsinki Sports Association Comrads played in Rauma. In final minute of the game when Lock was winning Helsinki Sports Association Comrads coach Hair Dryer Matikainen told his player like Lennart glasschin Petrell to attack Locks great players. Actually it may have started when Locks Sheyne Top-Rat suckerpunched Glasschin to the chin. After that hell broke loose.

Whole Dudes Swamp - Arena shouted "fuck you Pentti!" after he commanded his players to attack.

Lock won that series but fortunately lost in semifinals to Half Finlands Team from Oulu.
 
Suosikkijoukkue
Semo tutti parrucchieri.
Whole Dudes Swamp - Arena shouted "fuck you Pentti!" after he commanded his players to attack.

Lock won that series but fortunately lost in semifinals to Half Finlands Team from Oulu.

This Mullet-Matikainen also left home with his team a middle of the game during his tenure in this Half Finlands Team in early or mid-eighties. His assistant coach was Cock-Jortikka, well actually his name is cock in finnish, so the nickname was easy to find. Friends call him Cocksy.
 

Uleåborgir

Jäsen
Suosikkijoukkue
Kärpät, Päätalo, Huovinen, Sympathy For The Devil
From my home city Oulu comes my favourite ice disc company Oulu's Stouts. The secret of ours is to eat blood soup with potatos. The no1 charge of Minnesota Woodses Michael Granlund comes from Oulus Salo (the same name as the Svedens goaltender that hooved the disc into bag in olumpics ;) He is the another air crank brother, the second one is Marcus. They are called here as "Circus Granlund". They play in Helsinki's comrades of sport: HCS. THey are betrayers cause they wanned to play for money, not for food and shelter. Also is here from Reijo Ruotsalainen (Ray-o Swede), who passed many pucks to Wayne Gretsky in Edmonton Oilerssi in the sicsties and wonned the boy tvise.

Edits: I was late, sorry from dynamos message.

I carry on my message. I really was high, when Stouts beat Turkus Ball Company (TBC) in 2004 finalses. I was in the army during that match, but I was in holidays then. I was Lapland, Suomi Perkele Finland!!!! I was so proud about my home land, my tongue and my badges from message platoons. Stouts winned the matsh and I screamed my lungs to the yard.
 

Clocks

Jäsen
Suosikkijoukkue
HIFK
My favourite memory is when Raumas Lock played playoffs in 2005 against Helsinki Sports Association Comrads. It was lock out season in NHL and thats why both teams had some NHL players.

Not my favorite. I remember Lock having a giant defence-man and premium 100% goalwatch. It was impossible for even Pumpkin-Head to make goals, and he ended up burning his sleeves in the decising game. There was also an odd man on the ice, who intended to make violence to the judges. I remember leaving the Nordenskiöldstreet icehall, listening to half of Rauma shout: Rauma Lock, Rauma Lock. It was the worst night ever.

Fortunately we are now Finlands Masters, and will continue to be that way at least for another year. Why? Because we have Gold-Michael and Neverforget 1995. Not to mention Police-Coach, who is willing to eat shit.
 

Timbit

Jäsen
Suosikkijoukkue
HPK, BC Lions
Is it true, that Hameenlinna's coach is called Nice-Harry? Normally hockey coaches are close to imbesills and very violent. Being nice isn't common in the Finnish hockeyscene. Dirty-Harry wasn't available?

Unfortunately that really is the name of the person who is nominated as Ball Club's head coach. Nobody knows when he will start the actual coaching, though. The common opinion in Hameenlinna hockey scene seems to be that Nais-Harry should take his goat and go where the pepper grows. It's been kind of frustrating to watch the mess the Ball Club coaching "wheel of fortune" has been since The Man, JJ, best Ball Club coach ever, left the team and started to turn the Finnish National Team from wieners into winners. First we had a man whose contribution was to look like a frog, then we had a man whose ultimate goal was to win every game 1-0, and now we have Nice-H.

Oh come on, stop laughing! This can happen to your team, too!
 

Uleåborgir

Jäsen
Suosikkijoukkue
Kärpät, Päätalo, Huovinen, Sympathy For The Devil
Designer kirjoitti:
Ball Club's head coach.

Ball Club only won because Stoutses goal guardian was wounded. He happens to be on Nicklas Beckström the no1 goal guardian behind the mud pond. We always shouted: Nikke is rampart! Nikke is rampart! But those middle finals was ruened because there was Mika Pietilä in the byr. He canned not to catch a beach ball.
 

Hippi Hiiri

Jäsen
Suosikkijoukkue
SaiPa, Nanna Karalahti
And oh, there was this huge bench clearing brawl in one game after which the president of Finland (Tavja Little Halo) said that ice hockey should be more like women's hockey. People are afraid of whether the Sm-liiga teams could handle the more physical style or not, so Tavja's presidential order hasn't been that cheerished.

By the way, have you seen Scott Steven's top 10 hits? That's something we finnish hockey fans masturbate to. Just a little cultural tip.
 

Timbit

Jäsen
Suosikkijoukkue
HPK, BC Lions
Ball Club only won because Stoutses goal guardian was wounded. He happens to be on Nicklas Beckström the no1 goal guardian behind the mud pond.

Nope. Should Nicklas have survived the fight against the Aessaet leading Stoutses to the finals against Ball Club there might have been five final games. But the team must play with the players who are healthy or stupid enough and if there are not enough of those then it is up yours. Winning the championship against Stoutses in the fifth game would have been great but winning it against Aessaet felt damn good, too. We even gave them one victory so that they wouldn't be so darn bitter afterwards (that plan failed; they are). It became from behind the tree when Aessaet won Stoutses but Ball Club was ready for everything, including that. Then they cleared the tabe, took The Boy home, and whole Hameenlinna went crazy - ok, even crazier than the normal state - for a very, very long time.
 

Clocks

Jäsen
Suosikkijoukkue
HIFK
huge bench clearing brawl

This took place against Pelikans from Lahti. The city is home to tall concrete buildings from which one can jump off with pieces of wood tied to one's legs. Perhaps the most famous son of Lahti is Mr. Pasi Nurminen. He has two hobbies, one is crashing cars on buildings and the other is failing to exit airplanes. The local hockey troop is currently led by Ox-Suikkanen, and they have done quite well thanks to several former HIFK heroes.
 

Siiklake

Jäsen
Suosikkijoukkue
HIFK
I want to introduce a couple of players in HIFK that you should know.

#12 Markus "Bar" Clothsrear. He share big kisses for other players.
#15 Mikko "Curve" Curvenen. He is famous about knock-outs.
#41 Ilari "Golden Retriever" Paddleart. He wanted to fight with Jarkko Square.

#16 Ville "Feller Of Sweden" Fieldnen. He made "the goal of a month" last year.
#27 Erkki "Fierce-Erkki" Borderhill. He is hard player who eats popcorns.
#33 Eero "Somermountain" Somermountain. He is fucking quick.
#57 Niko "Giingersnap" Giingersnapnen. He doesn`t need any introducing.
#72 Siim "Wet-Simo" Vestk. People love him because he sang "In the little weddings" last spring.

We have also a good coach who eats a lot of shit and he told that in television two times during the game. He said that shit keeps him and his team going.

One famous player that you shlould know is Antti Redneck of Erkki but he plays in Battle Axe.

And I am not sorry about my bad language skills. I wrote the text almost with mutu.
 
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Watson

Jäsen
Suosikkijoukkue
Kärpät, Arsenal
They are called here as "Circus Granlund". They play in Helsinki's comrades of sport: HCS. THey are betrayers cause they wanned to play for money, not for food and shelter.
Not true, Granlund-brothers were kicked out of Stouts because they are just too fat and slow. Here in Oulu we have a tradition to produce small and classy players like Mikko Alikoski, Joonas Komulainen and Antti Aarnio. Granlund-brothers are not even close to be that good.

I remember a few years ago Oulu signed a big defenceman Jere Karalahti from Helsinki. After playing some SM-liiga games, local police department went crazy and claimed Jere is ruining Stouts' small-and-skillfull -player traditions. He was soon arrested and sent back to Helsinki. I believe they had some photos where Jere was smoking cigarettes in Muhos.

Same happened this year. Old Stouts-veteran Janne Pessi wanted to come back to Oulu, but they decided to weight him before signing the contract. Fortunately Stouts managers realized Pessi is nowdays just too big, and sent him to Helsinki Sports Association Comrads. I've heard Helsinki police is in charge of HSAC this season and they have very experienced coach Pentti 'fax' Matikainen. Pentti was also Finland's coach when we won gold in Calgary olympics 1968, so HSAC is propably very close to win the Canada-bowl once again.
 

Rod Weary

Jäsen
Suosikkijoukkue
HPK, Stars, Panthers
The downside of this can be seen from the league standings. But hey, no strategy is perfect!
Oh, the good old give 'em rope tactics (don't mix this with tic tacs, they are just mints). I think it's a brilliant move. Just hang in there and surprise everyone at the end of the season! Just wait and see Liquorice, String, Lamp and Twoski (skiing is very popular in Finland, you are supposed to stand on two boards and go very fast with help of two poles) score like crazy in March.
 

tty_01

Jäsen
Suosikkijoukkue
Ässät
Ok, since this thread is going downhill quite fast (nothing wrong with that), I'm going to add few facts myself

-Jokerit fans are hot and bothered over one single bread. Can you really believe that?
- Foxes are cunning animals, Lukko has fox in their logo and one would assume that their coach would be also cunning but no, a big disappoint there.
- Shiteaters have been doing fine lately, yet the fire coach-thread is going strong.
-Jarrko Rutuu is still Jarkko Ruutu, definitely difficult name to write for english speakers and a big douchebag
 

FASlapsi

Jäsen
Suosikkijoukkue
SaiPa
Hello you everybody! It was dosi nice to read so many good stories about the other teams and famous players! Now all the foreign countryers can think that we Finnish ice disc bench-sporters are very good in English, and that makes our life easy, because we are always thinking what the foreign countryers are thinking about us. Just think about it!

I have to tell you about these two teams from the town of Hesa. Some people in TV and radio and message papers think these two teams are the only teams in the Finnish Disc Liga. And they are right, because it is readable from the message papers: everything in message papers is believed.

Anyway, the most bestest man in the world, Mikael Granlund, who is famous about his airwavegoals and just is perfect in all ways, plays in Hesa Comrades of Sport. He used to play for Oulu Stouts, and the JariKurri of Stouts was giving Mikael many many ice hockey sticks and even some that were made of composiitte. But for some reason Mikael wanted money instead, and then he moved to Hesa and started to play for Comrades and Butt-buddyes of Helsinki Sweden. Kari "Beak" Jalonen was the JariKurri of Hesa Comrades Sport Without Physic Fitness then.

The other Hesa team is called "Batmans enemies". They are all very very rich, and that teams JariKurri is famous sailing man, Hjallis Harkimo, who has many many chins and changes wifes like socks. The people who fan the Batmans enemies are called Ultras. They mainly ponder about what color jumpsuits they should be wearing (this year they have Spain-jumpsuits), and when they have breaks, they buy buns and divide them with each others. Thats why they are somedays called bundividers.

Some times ago, Saimaas Ball (my favorite team) and Batmans enemies played against each others in play-offs. Hjallis Harkimo, who loves horses also, was filled the Batmans enemies ice disc rink, called Hartwall Arena, with horses for some reason, and therefore the first games were played in Lappeenranta Racepark. Saimaas Ball is normally kept as the throwing bag of Finnish Liga, and it was big success to get into the playoffs. Because Hartwall Arena was full of horses, Saimaas Ball won two first games, and then in the third game, all the horses were catapulted away from the Hartwall Arena (they landed in Bori, which happened to save the unemployed welders from hunger death) and the game was played in Hesa. But every people from Saimaas Ball home town, Lappee's beach, put on a yellow shirt and came into the Hartwall Arena, and Saimaas Ball won Batmans enemies for the third time and all the millionaires cryied and complained and Hjallis catapulted everybody out from his Arena and began to sail around it furiously. Anyway, that was the happiest day of my life, I still remember how the drunken paint guard of Batmans enemies, Parris Duffus, accidentally headed the last goal of the game in hi's own paint, Tero Haemaelander was the player who passed the disc for Parris while all the other millionaires were riding Dale McTavish before the paint.

Also, I must now tell about this very weird player from Kuopio. He is Kimmo Kapanen, and he is a neeger. True story. His brothers wife also divides her bun, but it is not known if he supports Batmans enemies.
 

aurinkolahna

Jäsen
Suosikkijoukkue
Kärpät, AC Oulu
Hello!

I'm writing here for the first time. I'd like to tell you about my favourite hockey team which is called Uleaborg Wiesels. Uleaborg is a small village situated in the North-Bottomland, near Kiiminki. We have lots of good skaters, such as:

#24 Yari "Naip" Zip-rake
#26 Mick Smallgrove
#2 Will Poker
#12 Peter "The Hand of God" Tribeoftheisland
#13 Jules Rednecky
#72 Jonas Moth-Of-A-Mafia-Boss


We are still looking for a good goal scorer. When we get one we're gonna kick the asses of all Helsingfors losers!
 
Suosikkijoukkue
Paikalliset
In SaiPa we have this thing called reilu meininki.

I thought You have this thing called Piss-Head Hockey.

We in Espoo have a team owned by a young man who has inherited plenty of money. His father owned a sausage business firm. Nobody is interested in our team, not even our Espoo-citizens, but is is said that We actually do not have a real city. At least we don`t have a centrum, but We don`t care.

Ed. That young man who inherited a lot of sausage-money was pissed off and decided to sell his team. But now someone has told me that he said that only beacause he has a bad day. I think he should grow up. Maybe getting a real job would help him?
 
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Clocks

Jäsen
Suosikkijoukkue
HIFK
Athletic Association Comrades in Helsinki (AAC Helsinki or HAAC) is getting shoved around in this chain far too much to my liking. What the peasants of Finland fail to understand is the fact that Stadi is superior, because we have metro. And then there is the Slang of Stadi, which can be used to drop shit kickers from the carts. For example, if I don't want the hey hats to understand that I want my fellow Stadi man to shut the door, I can use Stadi Slang and say "hey man, stick the doerts to the pose". This will leave the savages baffled for days.
 
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