Jääkiekko in English

[mayra]

Hello backbackers and other fuckers!

Today I want to talk you about Saimaa´s Balls. It leads now FC league but you know it hasnt always been like that.

Because when the serious started evribody was like "hey you know those poor Balls from Saimaa? Those are not Real Balls!" We hiered sayings like "They are one shitty Balls", "Get your Balls off my face" and "I would not show Balls to my girlfriends mother". Evribody looket the pelaajalista and yelled: "Tiny Balls!"

Some analytics like Petteri Sihvoniwont from Sportleaf said that "Balls from Saimaa will not penetrate any defence". Even myself I took some viski, watched the cartta of Finland, pointed Beach of Lappee and said to my parrot: "They will have hard times ahead. Winter will be cold and Balls will withdrawn to it´s shelter".

Once I remember that I watched Sportdiamond from TV and there was this bald reporter Tapio Littlefinland, who is the molester of Charlotte Kdifference and he said: "Balls are shame for our country, they should be dropped down to Chämptis immediately".

But now evribody are like "Balls have some balls" and "Balls play fresh disc" and "I would like to have Balls in my vitriini" and "only if I could have Balls under my täcci in these cold lonely nights". So maybe it is about how you use your Balls after all.

Now when Saimaa´s Balls are bodyseriesleader evribody are tinking why. But maybe the answer is clier like the punishment linja in FC league. Saimaa´s Balls have great disc player Ville Float and also FASchild as supporter. Isn´t that enough for any Balls to be successfull?

Greetings,
- Eurasian badger (without the ä dots)

 

[Wiljami]

It is nice that Saimaa's Ball is top, because they are so little ball, it is sympaattinen thing. There is other little Balls like the nexthomoplace Rauma Lock Balls, but they has candy-uncle and too many moneys and Legolanders. But theyr headreadier mr. Swimcapman lives in Mikweather, and that is little sympatia becaus all the cool gays live there like Swimcapman and me and even The Sir Pena Keisar Of Finland (and the universe plus other) has lived there but no longer.

Saimaas tiny little sympatia Ball is so cute, I want to have them visit. Also color is nice.

 

[Apmp-]

Today is the last game for the bestest workclose players in FC-league. Mikko Birch and Lauri Wilderness-Rapids are going back to America. Here in Finland we call them taxrefugees. TBC's game is against a team what haves no fans from the town what haves no centrum. Haha, they suck except their two Teemu's. Teemu Ramses and Teemu Little Circle.

Lynx's player Danny Kuivaa drived over Atte Notgren and doctors sayed that he haves braincrash but he don't have. If he haved, Ville Poemla would play today. that would be terrible for junior paint guard to start his first game behind TBC's defence. No one wants to do that. Ari Mountain has sayed that TBC will get new players to replace Birch and W-R. I think he's lying.

My hopes are that Saku Birch and Henrik Shednder would play for TBC one more time. Shednder is Sweden homo but he founded his wife from Turku when he played here 12 years ago.

 

[Wiljami]

Shednder is Sweden homo but he founded his wife from Turku when he played here 12 years ago.

This not directley FM-liigue related, but there is people fatherlandsreverses (isämmaanpuollustajat) that think its not good to have the refugees come to here and take our womans and workingplaces. It even worse if its swedenhomo that doing this.

 

[FASlapsi]

Hello again, in this world full of pearls!

I don't know why I sayed that, that makes no sense. Maybe I have Tourettes Syndrom or then I am secretly a bun-divider.

In any event, its time to let you foreign människor again know about the situation in SM-league. Saimaas Ball has for some mystical reason dropped from the top spot of wanker serie table, everybody are wondering why but I have my knowings and all my fingers and other pointy things are pointing towards that one town in the middle of the Finland that I already forgot, and the team that plays Ice disc there, I can't remember the name of the club anymore because it was so boring, and the guy who is headcoaching that team, the legandary, the one and only Ari-Pekka Backwards.

As everybody already knowes, Ari-Pekka Backwards hates Saimaas Ball. He spent four years in Lappees Beach and coached Saimaas Ball and always made so bad team that always Saimaas Ball was losed and laughed and irvied. Even Champtis teams supporters (I heard a rumor that there actually is such things, I dont know if it is true, they sound more like mind-picturing-persons like Christmas Goat and Tooth Margarin and good icehockey player from team Bobcat) always were shouting "Now we will drop Saimaas Ball", "Maybe one of their players would fit to play in glorious KKK" and "Our Timo-Petteri Näppyläläinen is much better than any of Saimaas Ball players" and then they shouted those things with such a ciihco that lopulta they made fanny faces and made sounds like "Oh" and then taked their trousers to laundry. However, for some reason Ari-Pekka Backwards was never able to drop Saimaas Ball in to the Champtis, because Ari-Pekka is not very good in accomplishing anything.

But now there is another sound in the clock! Ari-Pekka Backwards was finally throwed up from the Lappees Beach, and now he is headcoaching this other team, what was it name, maybe Potatoes or something, and he has figured out how to win Saimaas Ball every time with big numbers. Now everybody else in the SM-league could also watch how Ari-Pekka Backwards team plays and win Saimaas Ball, but luckily the team Ari-Pekka Backwards coaches is so boring that nobody can to watch their games without falling to sleep or going totally crazy. Once the USAians actually begun to ciduttaa their semirbenamors by taking everybody on a boat to this big movie theater in Guuba, called Guantanamo, and then the ramziabids were forced to watch ice disc games where this team that I again forgot played. It was very effective, all camilomiettinens got crazy and they told everything because they wanted not to be bored alive. But then this neeger became the president and he sayed that it is no longer OK to torture these villenieminens and it was stopped and now the terrorists are free and they are playing ice disc in SM-league and beating MM95NevöForget and tackling Pori Jeesus with hands high and growing ridiculous hairballs and skating with mouth open and calling mallets mallets.

Thats it, now I had told you the reason why worlds books are messed up and Saimaas Ball no longer leads the wanker series. It is all because of Ari-Pekka Backwards! Lets all say he is a bad man and hope that he will be bored to death in that team he is now headcoaching in that one town or something like that!

 

[JHag]

Odd news from HAAC: Maybe Soup is leaving, but the follower is rumoured to be Rocky. Of course Rocky wins Soup, because Soup is liquid and rock is hard. HAAC's original plan was to find a coach called Scissors, because scissors easily win soup by cutting the flavor. Then HAAC government had a meeting and just when they were about to sign Scissors, one old Dinosaur got his first idea in thousand years: "Hey guys! Rock beats scissors by making them dull. Let's find out it there is a rock available!" And HAAC actually found Mr. Rocky, who is 104 years old and gray, and that's why the government likes him. They don't like youngsters, cause they don't understand anything about brandy.

 

[FASlapsi]

Actually I heard HAAC already had called one Mr. Scissors, he is this looking guy and they already promised him to be the new JariKurri of HAAC. And not just that, but they also had called Scissor Sisters to be the new help coaches and maintenancers and bus drivers that players can throw trash cans into and even to be the suzkis for the players - even though Scissor Sisters look like this.

But now that the old dinosaurs mylvähded the name of Rock, Sir Pena must fax to each of these Scissor peoples and yell into the fax "START GOING WHEN YOU STILL HAVE TIME!"

In other news, the famulous Maybe Little Blowjob is cumming to be the new JariKurri of Turku Honey Pot Club. You know, he is that guy who says "Two metre feedings can not go three metre ohio!" This year he has been stuck in the city of Bay, where he has JariKurried Gamecans. There the two metre feedings go seven metres ohio and then House Man Little Pikkara goes into penalty box. That is not a place for normal människor.

 

[ernestipotsi]

Pena is back. Rock, Draper and Scissons.
HAAC needs still Hattiwatti and Tiivi-Taavi or some discful defenceman.

Sticktape Westerlund will be landteam's new head coach. Actually he is landteam's old coach, because he has coached them before and because Sticktape is old cyclops himself. He has non-linear face like Lauri Cob or Paavo Vaeyrynen.

Ilri Cockrt was selected to Moscow's EHT because he has proven that he cän be something more than fisthero. Also Miika Bay was chosen. He is a poor man's Jack Square, however more annoying. I also remember that GM Gary Jurri said something to Iltalehti.

 

[Stigu]

Ilri Cockrt was selected to Moscow's EHT because he has proven that he cän be something more than fisthero.

I tell you a seekred: Ilri had problemos in skiating earlier this see-son, you know why? Because the cuuccu-shit man Jake Diamond/Jack Square was under his skin! This can only happen in Finland: One man is under anothermans skin. How gay can you get. And this did not even happen in Bay of Lappee where pupils are reelly weirdo. But now Ilri got rid of Jake, so he is not anymore under Ilri's skin.

This Xmas the most popular company game will be HAAC's Rock, Soup and Shit, according to the HAAC-coach-to-be, current coach and has-been coach. The rules are xactly same as in Rock, paper scissors, but all players have in their left back pocket real soup, in their right back pocket real roks and in their asshole real shit. They keep their hands behind their backs. Then they count onetwothree and show what they have in their hand.All players must watch hand before eating christmas meal.

 

[JHag]

Actually I heard HAAC already had called one Mr. Scissors, he is this looking guy place for normal

Nou män, don't let yourself be misunderstood. HAAC has once found close enough to scirrors: A Really Shitty Hockey Player. Looks like his fantastic career ended after 11 games in HAAC with breathtaking points 2+0=2. The man in your picture is Jukka Tolonen, a famous finnish guitar player and knifeman.

Batman´s Enemies is going towards a religious team. They signed Moses. Here is a picture of him: Moses, Batman´s Enemies. The picture doesn't tell whether he is left or right, even though he poses with hockey stick. Batmans Enemies wanna make their Softdrink Arena as cosy as possible for Moses and that's why they are planting burning bushes in the yard. Watch out when you are moving there!

Day after tomorrow is our 4th of July which is 6th of December in here. The difference between dates is caused by time difference between USA and Finland. There will be no icedisc played on 6th of December, because the whole Finland is watching television where the president of Finland, Sauli Butthead will draw in hand with over 2000 guests. Sauli Butthead is married with a 14-year old Babydoll called Jenni and that is a legal marriage, because they have presidents permission. Sauli himself said that is ok to be a pedofile. In the party there will not be hockeyplayers, because they are stupid, ugly and drink a lot of soppa.

 

[Uleåborgir]

Day after tomorrow is our 4th of July which is 6th of December in here. The difference between dates is caused by time difference between USA and Finland. There will be no icedisc played on 6th of December, because the whole Finland is watching television where the president of Finland, Sauli Butthead will draw in hand with over 2000 guests.

Did you mean Christmasmoon by December? You know in finland's tongue different moon seasons are Oakmoon, Pearlmoon, Earthlismoon, Whoa-huh-timoon, D'ohknockout-moon, Summermoon, Haymoon, Lifemoon, Autumnmoon, Shitmoon, Deathmoon and Christmasmoon.

I remember Sauli "Butthead" Sonistoe from municipalelections because Finland's rightest fascist party Cockoomus reklaamed itself by sentence "I love cock". This should actually be the Greens election sentence because they have only homos and lesbian seksuals in their party (not that celebration). Actually Finland's tongues word "puolue" is good for them, because "puo" means asshole in England's tongue. There is a keeper (pitäjä) in Finland in Perhapsnuu (Kainuu) that is called Puolanka that is Assthread in England.

 

[Street Clinton]

No icedics played on 6th of chirstmasmoon. What is wrong in this country? If mr. Wierdola was our president, independence day festival would be festivaled in Softdrink Arena while players of the 1995 world championship team would skate on the ice. Not many remember year 1917, but all of us remembers 7.5.1995. That should be our new independece day. In television, unknown soldier would be replaced by the 1995 icedics world championships final in every second year and every second year there would be newer version, final from the year 2011. Take a look of this youtube clip from the year 1995. If this is not festival what is?

 

[MarkusMaggot]

Hello from Cornsville again!

Quik update to COB's latest grippings. Lately COB hasn't been so shitty as they were some time ago. Last week they won Batmans Enemies and HAAC in home rink but lost to SwoRd. Big thing is that Rich Pervert and Lasse Vai have showed why they play in NHL. Skilled guys when their attitude is correct. Rumour from the streets say, that Pervert started to play good because someone said something bad in the Facebook. There are bunch of peoples who really believe so. Christmas is coming, so let's give them a right to believe in what they want.

Other great news is that Miika Bay and Christian Visible were selected to the land team to play in Moshard tournament. Both are yellow noses in land team patterns, but hopefully this takes their playing to another level. Some coach once said that Bay is raping the event. Bay vendettade that by scoring a goal that buttfucked some defender hard. Some months later that coach had kicks.

There has been quite a battle outside the rink too. COB's Tunisian attacker Ramzi Abid hit some Aces attacker to the head. Abid had four game game prohibition, which was lowered to three by discipline keeping squad. Now there are million welders/doctors giving their opinions againts million unemployed academics/chaos theorics. Quite a show, two million peoples making themselves look like asses and nobodys winning. This almost goes to the Most redneckish things-chain.

Big game today again Les Bleus. Must win and get some good feeling for friday against Saimaas Ball, who are one of the big this at the moment.

 

[JHag]

Did you mean Christmasmoon by December?

Yes, of course. I looked at my calendar and I wonder why Fullmoon is missing from there? It's funny that many citizens spend their Oakmoon as Droplessmoon. Then you can't be full and there is no Fullmoon in Oakmoon a.k.a Droplessmoon. About the time difference between Finland and USA: it concerns also years. In USA it is 2012 and in Finland we are living 1995. Kalervo Weird, Timo AnkleInfection and Jari Cream are still major names in finnish icediskscene. Antero PussyBall is still the head commentator of Lions' games in television. And the whole Finnish nation still wanks together if we beat Sweden.

 

[Wiljami]

In television, unknown soldier would be replaced by the 1995 icedics world championships final in every second year and every second year there would be newer version, final from the year 2011.

But this is problem in wholehouse-togethercommunality (holhousyhteiskunta) that is Finland and the show is too violentic for everyone under and over 12 years old that is legally ok to sex with president butthead if missus is pre-teen model. Also will be banned from blind and deaf to be sure.

The television official will say that is too much violence and bad language and stupid ackting and maybe even someone is drinking. Also there is orange coats on Kummeli-host (that sounds almost like Kale Weirdolas family name in finnsih) and this is not good for style knowing people with flower hats who want to sivilize the junttis of Finelant.

 

[Uleåborgir]

Jari Cream

Did you mean this time Andri Fatless Milk? Sorry that I have to ask these guestions, but maybe our outlandish friends understandn't what we discuss. Sorry for being a tongue polise.

 

[Ikävänkantaja]

Heaveno all you texans and other peoples who use bazookas and rocket launchers for common self-defence!

I'd really like to know if it was polish Tomconfederationoffinnishindustries Littlegipsy who shouted "MUSE ICE, MUSE ICE! MANNER THAT PISSHEAD!" before the badlykeeping of HAAC's captain Smallfield. The Engage Municipality Blamer of Helsinki would like to know it too.

 

[maken veivi jr.]

I'd really like to know if it was polish Tomconfederationoffinnishindustries Littlegipsy who shouted "MUSE ICE, MUSE ICE! MANNER THAT PISSHEAD!" before the badlykeeping of HAAC's captain Smallfield. The Engage Municipality Blamer of Helsinki would like to know it too.

Not it wasn't. Thing is that when Smallfield was attacked it was an terrorist attack. You know ALLAHAKBARRAMZIABID kaind öf thing. After months of water boarding and war against terrorism, justice won and police find out that Batmans Enemies terrorist looking Bin-Laden guy, is the only one in this case who looks like Arabian, so he must be the only guilty. This Ben-Amor is also Batmas enemy which is bad thing also, because Batman also fights against the terrorist, so that is evidence also.

Case closed, and today is national holiday bacause Finland has won the war against terrorism and president is having a huge party tonight in honor of HAAC's captain Smallfield because he got hurt in terrorist attack.

 

[FASlapsi]

Hello you foreign scums! Today you must obey us, we are the world leaders because it is Finlands selfness day! Go coocoo, like Jarkko Diamond! Behind leave! It is whistleing, go to cover! Go to better cover!

Oh, sorry about that, I think I had war trauma flashbacks from the Winter War or something.

Or then I just got very violent and disturbed, because it has been very violent and disturbed times in SM-league. It all escalated yesterdays, when police of Finland called help to the Raymond Little Sum to help studying the terrorist attack of Semir Ben-Amor. Raymond flyed into police house in his WC-uniform, eated up one Janne Niiniland and then sayed to the polices that not just Semir Ben Amor is guilty, also Batmans Enemies JariKurris Tom Boring and Tomek Little Valto are guilty, and also the Master of the Universe of Batmans Enemies, the bold evil genius Jarmo Little Kekälä is guilty too! Police immediately acted, and they arrested Semir Ben Amor and let Tom Boring, Tomek Little Valto and Jarmo Little Kekälä free because they do not look like terrorists, and because Tomek Little Valtos parents met at a concentration camp in Poland. However, Jarmo Little Kekälä instantly called to Evening Messages, and cryed that Raymond is fake saint, and Tomek sayed he is wolf in sheeps clothes, and then Raymond sayed Jarmo is fucking polices.

Now the riots are ready, today bunch of people will invade the presidents castle in fine clothes and try to strangle the president and his child wife from their arms. This will be showed in television so everybody can watch!

Semir Ben Amors terrorist and jihad brother, Ramzi Abid from Egypt also reacted immediately and doed a suicide attack in yesterdays game. He jumped head first into the deadly steel walls of ice disc rink, and because of that Henry Larry Los Angeles was sent to jail immediately. Other violences were also seen, American NHL-Rikas from Grainville Team slashed somebody and got thrown into jail as well, and in Batmans Enemies the American Ozzy Little Väänä pushed some fishcock into the deadly steel walls and got thrown into the jail too. Also the support coach of Bobcat, Vesa Viita Rapid was thrown into jail because he was so surprised when Bobcat won that he throwed bottle! What a terrorist!

In Lappee Beach Saimaas Ball won HAAC, and there also the famous land team defender of HAAC, Ilari Cockrt, got crazy and started to throw Saimaas Balls EastPowerian Simon Selkämies and Jani Little Cape (not related to Ville "Fly Trap" Little Cape of Mika "Flash Cock" Little Cape) like wet rättis. After the game famous crazy people talker Ben Turkkimies talked with Ilari Cockrt and asked why he got so angry, and Ilari begun to cry and sayed he realised he plays in a shitty team because he himself is the best player of the team. A team which has Ilari Cockrt as best player must be very poor, go ask Jarkko Diamond if you dont believe!

And the disturbment goes on. This messed up Ilari Cockrt was invited into the land team, together with famous rapist Miika Bay from GrainVille and the deeply disturbed captain of Saimaas Ball, Ville Float, who can only answer "Saimaas Ball" to what ever is asked from him, and who was found out to have no heart, only a sputnik inside him when studied by doctors. These kinds of peoples are playing in land team, and also some Potato club players were asked to cum. Deeply disturbing times these are!

Now excuse me, I will go and see Unknown Soldier from the TV, and then I will look at the riot peoples trying to strangle president Butthead and his child wifes arms. Happy selfness day everypeople!

 

[Apmp-]

Healthy everybody!

TBC won yesterday against GameCans in Champagne Areena! Anssi "VITUN PASKA" Little Beach made a paint. Corey Lukkoe also made a paint. But I have to keep this short now. Castle's Party start soon. I äm going to eat some Cattlela's Pies now first.

Goodsti!

 

[JHag]

Sorry for being a tongue polise.

You mean language law enforcement officer?

 

[ernestipotsi]

Soup Sormunen's beginningcalculation -chain has became a legend. Some fans are hitting F5 button every five secönds.

HAAC-fans are collecting money for the christmas spade instead of buying game flags. Very many thank yous for namemark Bismark. HAAC-fans are waiting for the Tiedote that Soup has been given a shoe-picture in his backmus. The Tiedote could be released in any time. Unforttunately it didn't came last knight. I guess I have to stay awake till then.

Hopefully HAAC will get new head coach before mayan harmageddon (21th of christmas-Q this year). And the fax will bang. And it will bang. What's your guess?

 

[FASlapsi]

Hey! Wake up! I was shouting to you who was sleeping!

Ogay, now everybody are wakened up, so let me tell all you foreigners about the christmas times in SM league. There has been some serious not-sleeping going on here!

The mostest talkaded thing in Christmas Moon has been the Christmas Spade Collection of Saving Army. HAAC fans are so tired of their shitty team and their shitty coach Soup, who doesent even eat shit, that they have started to give all their moneys to Christmas Spade Collection. Nobody knows why they do that and how it helps to get rid of Soup, but they just do it still. You know, like Nike, logo of Batmans Enemies.

Then when Saving Army sayed: "It is OK you gave us all your money, but we still hate you and change your collection name" the already tired HAAC fans were so disturbed that they could not have been sleeped in days!

Instead they are guarding the doors of HAAC:s old beton hall which is called Norsdskjlöldfjlöld or something. They are hallusinating about something called The Roaddote and dinosaurs and armies and about a man who says, "Hey, me not dizzied!" and instead of buns they are dividing sparkguards for each others. Because of many nights of not sleeping, some of them are in hospitals and others are just in psychoos, but still they always come to the beton hall and watch the doors and hallusinate about dinosaurs. It is very sad, but at same time very entertaining: I have not been looking TV or movies in days, I just watch HAAC fans watching the doors of Nordsdklöjljfsöd and hallusinate and I eat cop-porn at same time.

Some ice disc has also been played, and still is played today after the Christmas Pause and the Worldsend which happens today (Camilo Miettinen and his relatives have calculated this in Camiloland some time ago). Today Saimaas Ball plays against FishCocks, and the Neeger JariKurris of FishCocks have putted a neeger child in the first chain of Fishcocks. All the BasicFinlanders are very happy about this, and hope to see more neegers in chains in the future.

Thats it, fuck you all!!! I think thats how you say "Hyvää joulua!" over there?

 

[Wiljami]

...
Instead they are guarding the doors of HAAC:s old beton hall which is called Norsdskjlöldfjlöld or something. They are hallusinating about something called The Roaddote and dinosaurs and armies and about a man who says, "Hey, me not dizzied!" and instead of buns they are dividing sparkguards for each others.

Is this the same Nordskjlöldfjlöld that maded the air traffic pause and all the shit in air machine engines made air machines drop two jenkki-towers (or something)?

All the BasicFinlanders are very happy about this, and hope to see more neegers in chains in the future.

This made me laugh becaus aim happy for FloRettes neegers who make big start in S/M liigue.

Thats it, fuck you all!!! I think thats how you say "Hyvää joulua!" over there?

Fuck you and go suck a dick too! :) (That is also "Onnellista uutta vuotta!" in English)

 

[Kaner]

Have a nice My habits' day for every S/M gang fan!