Jääkiekko in English

[Sekera]

I was like very upset that the ketju of all ketjus http://keskustelu.jatkoaika.com/showthread.php?t=51160 (SM-liiga in English) has not been used during this autumn. But, I wasn't so upset anymore when I saw the gray lock-picture to the left of the name of the ketju, it has been locked! So what do you hockey-watching, hearing and touching people say if we for example help our league's lock-out-boys from America in adapting to the Finnish hockey culture and life in general? Let's speak some english and hockey english in this ketju about interesting facts and happenings of our homely hockey league called FC-league.

First I would like to throw some discuss about the newly arrived dude called Derek Stepan. He normally plays in New York Rangers but because there's no NHL yet this season Derek came to the Épée of Kuopijjo. It seems that when Derek was considering where to play this season at home in New York he looked at the picture of the GM of the Épée of Kuopijjo and said "Hey! I saw this guy or a look-a-like of him here just yesterday!" This is only strong speculation but it has a seed of truth because Derek's new GM is almost like a normal people in New York alley. And when Derek thought he saw his new GM just around his home he thought that the Épée of Kuopijjo must be a tremendously skillfull and committed organization especially in scouting new players. "This is my Épée!", must Derek say when he arrives to Kuopijjo. Let's all say "Hi and welcome!" to Derek and wish him a great experience in FC-league!

 

[FASlapsi]

Oh yes, the nazi slavepiiscuris of this Continue-Time talking plank decided to honor the Raumas ice dicks team, which changed its logo from the new hip and radical and cool Foxes back to the old ugly and boring logo of Lock (without hockey sticks or leafs or even NUCLEAPOWER text in players trousers), and the nazis therefore marked the old Sm-Liiga in English with Lock in order to make peoples speak about this team. Unfortunately nobody in the world who can read or write cares about this Lock team, so nobody writed in that chain anymore.

This years SM-liiga ice disc season has been doing like it was already known: the new JariKurri of Saimaas Ball, Pexxxi Little Tirkko, has transformed Saimaas Ball into unstoppable killing machine which wins all the games and scores most of the paints and Saimaas Ball can already be said as the mesdari of this season. Saimaas Ball is so much better than anybody else, that the nazi slavepiiscuri of Finnish ice Disc, Kalervo Weirdola, jyrähded to the NHL and said "Don't play this year!" and then NHL was cancelled and all the shitty teams in Finland begun to collect the players from NHL so that they would not lose so heavily to Saimaas Ball in every game. The plan has worked, for example there was these games before the land team break where Saimaas Ball only scored seven paints against Tampere Bobcat because they had a Swedish homo NHL-paintkeeper, and against Lahti Gamecans Saimaas Ball only scored six paints because the mostest famulouses NHL paint guardian, the man who has won the Stanley Syphilis, Antti Cape was their paint guardian.

So Saimaas Ball will raise the boy this year, but who will be the second, that we will see. I guess it will be the rich team from Helsinki - not those Swedish homos who play without physic fitness and whose captain is older than Jesus Christus - but the rich, rich, rich Batmans Enemies. They have again used miljards of Euros to build their team, they have all kind of Filppula brothers and Moses and even this guy who looks like Profet Mohammed but he is named Semir Ben-Amor instead so that muslim weirdos would not come to Batmans Enemies arena and blow everything up.

Thats it, welcome all you NHL players and have nice time here in Finland while you are losing to Saimaas Ball. Sorry about our Kale Weirdola for messing up your careers, but you have to excuse him for always spoiling everything for everyone. It is just how he is, you cant blame and make fun of Timo T.A. Little Mikko from being blind and paralyzed either so you can not make fun of Kale for being such an cat-head moreen.

 

[Sekera]

That was nice speaking about Saimaas Ball and something else. But I'm little concerned about that thing that there is no NHL-lockout-boys in Saimaas Ball. Let's not cunt that Emmerton-guy becaus he is not in Saimaas ball line-up anymore.

When thinking the situation in there, we can see not much problems in your line-up because Saimaas Ball is doing pretty well. Maybe you do not even need any help from America? Paintkeeper Little Cape is covering the paint well, Friday Nagalahti-Savander is in the back-side throwing discs to the opponent's paint and Jekimovits from CCCP scores at least once a week. Is he still single?

Office is also working great, Ridge Cliff Cape makes great finance and General Mänizer Timmy Glans or someone like that leads the whole crowd with great example. Behind the change seat you have very great guys who are working to create ways to win disc games. Coaches Little Tirkko and Little Sand make great team even more greater. Water bottles shine even more brighter in Saimaas Ball because they have Saimaas water inside. Maybe that is the fiber for your great doings? I guess that at least Lynx Lynx from Mansester is not drinking Saimaas water and that is why Lynx Lynx is the last team in series worksheet.

 

[Varis]

Very good chainopening. I like to speak about FC-league in Enland's tongue, but the former chain is stupidly Raumas Locked.

I would like to talk about Helsinki Batmans Enemies, because thats the only team I know enything about. HBE (i shortened it) is doing very well right now because we have the bestest defender of all time Erik Karlsson in our rooster. He, and Filp-troubles brothers are dominatoring (doesn't have anything to do with Sakke Salminen) the league and Jarkko Diamond keeps them safe with his presence.

Before season there was little insident between HAAC and HBE. Ilari Cockrt tried to noutaa Jarkko Diamond. That made Prophet of Love Semir (Ben-)Amor angry and he attacked towards capteen of HAAC, Willie Bin Little Field. Bin Little Field almost died and in the tv-haastattelu he just looked into camera unable to talk. It was serious shit.

The insident caused lots of gamekieltoja to both teams and they were playing like shit in the alkukausi. HBE's game got better, but HAAC is still shitty. I think that has something to do with their former couch Pete Shiteater.

 

[JHag]

No major changes for this season: Tappara plays handlehockey, Risto Dufva is still bald and Petteri Sihvonen masturbates watching Playbook. Normally men masturbate watching Playboy. The biggest change for this season has happened in HAAC. Last seasons coach Mr. Matikainen liked to eat shit and this seasons coach is called Soup. But no worries, Soup is also a friend of shit. That's why the average age of HAAC players is 47 years. Another piece of Soups masterplan is that skating is forbidden. You can only walk with your skates and look busy. Very many spectators are missing The Shitman at the moment. His shit was honest shit. Soups shit is masked to look like a creamcake. But it is shit from the inside.

The season in Champs, which is one level down from SM-liiga, is very interesting. Marko Kiprusoff has played a couple of games in Kouvola and all the female fans have been very wetpants cause Marko is a total image of Brad Pitt. They both have two hands and two legs.

 

[Jaws]

I think that has something to do with their former couch Pete Shiteater.

If I have understood correctly, Pete is nowadays the head couch of Avangard OMGs. It looked like shit from the very start but somehow Shiteater could manage to eat the shit away and turned the shit...oops, ship.

The season in Champs, which is one level down from SM-liiga, is very interesting. Marko Kiprusoff has played a couple of games in Kouvola and all the female fans have been very wetpants cause Marko is a total image of Brad Pitt. They both have two hands and two legs.

Marko is great. Once upon a time there was a rumor of him selling hot cockerspaniels and hamburgers in a small bar in Turku, the place everyone for some reason calls the asshole of Suomi-maiden. He's currently playing for Moonsamo's Ballbearers.

 

[Sekera]

You know, Kipru is almost Kypros in Latvia's tongue. So Marko must have some Space Sea blood in his valtimos and laskimos and so he makes girls and flickor crazy. Making Brad Pitt same as Marko Kiprusoff is not so wrong that may first think to be, there is at least three'est same thing in them: They both have at least one hair but Marko has more.

 

[JHag]

Last week SM-liiga was on holidays, because European nationalteams played a tournament. The greatest surprise regarding that was the fact that the tournament was played in the asshole of Finland, Turku. This was one of Weirdo-Kalervo's practical jokes. It wasn't ice-hockey, it was ass-hockey. Kalervo the Weird could also be a moviestar with his looks. The only problem is that nobody has invented a story which would need a human being looking like him.

 

[Julma#71]

Hello everyvone! I came here to report about the success of Half Finlands team from Oulu, Junnos Stoatses. We started the season with a shitty loss against the biggest forefavourite Saimaas Ball, but after we got back our own growner, own boy of Fishriver, Juicy Littleriver, Stoatses wagon turned. We're now 3rd in the trunk series serietable, only Tractors and forefavourite Saimaas Ball are before us. The leagues top scorer is John-Pek Horker, whos playing in the Stoatses first line with Ivan The Cruel, the Fucking Idiot from Czechoslovakia. Also in the first line is playing Kyle YourFurry from the land of maple leafs. He came to Stoatses because of NHL workclose to find soulmates amongst small predators. Thats all I have to report for now for you people living in Eesti and other neegerful countries!

 

[Apmp-]

I think that it is innappripropratre to say that Turku is the asshole of Finland. It is not true. Turku is very beautiful city. But I didn't comed here to defend Turku. I comed here to talk about my favourite team, Turku's Ball Club. We have very many NHL workclose-players. The best of them is Mikko Birch. He is also the captain of the Lions. Lauri Wilderness-Rapids has been also very good. Also Chris Russel and Alex Martinek have been good. TBC's captain Ville Waxbay has not been very good but it's probably because hes injured and our coach sucks. Our first coach this year was Pekka Power. He got shoe in october. New coach is Juha Willowditch. People say that he sucks too and TBC only wins because of Wilderness-Rapids and Birch. TBC's new assistant coaches are Jani Stoneridge and Miika Lifebye

TBC will play tomorrow against Battle-Axe in Hookforest. I'm sure TBC will win. Marko Powerla will make two paints. Jarkko Little Hat will also make his first paint.

 

[Ikävänkantaja]

I think that it is innappripropratre to say that Turku is the asshole of Finland. It is not true.

I have always thought that Finland's Turku is as well the Asshole of Finland but according the latest news and faxes the REAL Asshole of Finland is in fact located quite near the Oulu Weasels and the Croft of Clump of Alders, the birthplace of Finland's former president FAQ (1900-1986). That REAL Asshole of Finland, the place of "satan's screw ups" as FAQ calls it, is called Winterdanger - a FANTASTIC, FANTASTIC mine with a FANTASTIC, FANTASTIC competition ability that keeps on putting pure shit, and other basic metals like My career (U) in every single river in the Hungerlands. Probably including Weasels' workembargoverification J. Littleriver too! Is this somekind of a plot to get rid of Weaker Material and other negrish people?

This message is approved by Brothers CO Man.

 

[ernestipotsi]

There have been no fisting battles in SM-Liiga yet.

The reason for that is the incident between HAAC and Batman's Enemies before season start. BE:s Ben-Amor attacked WC95nevöfoget and some other players also did some very bad things. For example Jack Square and Siim Vestk were fisting.

This weeks thursday is the first game when Semir and Ville will face each other. We are also waiting for HAAC's Mikko "KOK" Kurvinen goal in SM-Liiga game. There are also some other bad ass players in HAAC's team. Like Ilari Cockrt.

Some of the HAAC's fans are expecting that the Soup will get a shoe.

Edit: I will not translate my underwriting in this chain

 

[FASlapsi]

Yes, the reasons why Saimaas Ball is so overpowerful are many. All the message papers writers said before the season that Saimaas Ball players are Mestis, you know like those indians or those redfaced weirdos who lived inside tents in America and walked around with cirves and jhousibyssy. Those peoples had feathers in their heads and they were so god damn weird that maybe the other guys in other teams are just so afraid that they get scalpered or something, and therefore Saimaas Ball always scores paints after paints.

Some thousand years ago Pori Welders tried the same tactic, they had their team full of indian haircutted freaks like Patrik Forceback and Rob Smelled and Matt Snickerson. They made it to the finals and whole Pori peoples were walking around in indian haircuts and being freaks like they normally do, but then some other team won and Pori Welders have been very bad team ever since.

The happening in the practising match between Batmans Enemies and HAAC, where Profet Mohammed raped WC95nevöforget in the middle of the game and then WC95nevöforget was putted to sit inside every peoples televisions and stare peoples silently has caused that there has been no fisting battles in SM-liiga season. I would like to see some fisting going on, but instead players are driving each others from backside and giving head shots to each others and beating each others with their sticks. Some players - other than Jarkko Diamdond even - have begun to do dying swans because the Mallets will always throw players in the penalti box if somebody falls in ice and stays there imitating a dying waterbird. This I dont like, give me good man to man fisting over this kind of homoilu everytime.

Ernestipotsi: I try to help you translate your underwriting.

Eye Ray Ba-Dum Eye Cissa

 

[JHag]

Some of the HAAC's fans are expecting that the Soup will get a shoe.

Many fans are saying: Soup is a feelingkiller. I totally agree. Before Soup we had shitty feeling, now nothing. When HAAC played against Weasels, the team of lestadians, I visited a bar in the icehall. There I saw a famous Finnish singer Kojo. He scored zero points in eurovision song contest and that must be the reason he likes to go to HAAC games: HAAC will pretty surely also get zero points. That evening HAAC loosed against lestadians, who love incest combined with The Bible as a lifestyle and statement. How can anybody loose against them? Oh Soup, get a hike while you still can. You are not educating them.

 

[Mats Bedö]

I dont quite get how this thread works, but wouldnt be the first time for me...

About Soup. I really didnt understand why they chose this guy as our head coach. I mean, wasnt he the first "modern era" ratfink who jumped from the mediocre HAAC to the high flying Jesters? Why is this kind of guy our head coach? He's not HAAC, he's a pathetic fame seaker!

Fuck him and his hockey future! We need another coach!

 

[Apmp-]

TBC should have winned Battle-Axe today. But no, they lost 5-4 in winshotrace. Also I was wrong about Powerla. He didn't make any paint. Little Hat got one feeding point. It was on Miikka Thatreputationn's goal. Also, the pig player of Battle-Axe Markus Ass of Cloth, made paint. Seriously, what the fuck. He is pig, not a paint maker.

TBC's lines were

Wilderness-Rapids - Birch - Willyouinkarjala'smurre
Waxbay - Lukkoe - Antspace
Rapidsbeach - Valley - Powerla
Thatreputationn - Little Bird Cherry - Little Hat

Little Pants - Nummorgan
Martinek - Erhnhard
Fackshill - Sort of Risto

Antero Meadowhill started teh game but someone drived him and his groins said poks. Atte Notgren played the rest.

Buy the way, Saimaa's Ball losted today. Why wasn't Richard Ullberg playing? He could have stolen the game for SaiBa.

 

[Sledge Hammer!]

Kalervo the Weird could also be a moviestar with his looks. The only problem is that nobody has invented a story which would need a human being looking like him.

Disney bought rights to Star Wars and they are planning for new movie so we don't have to wait much longer when Kalervo will make his second stint as Jabba the Hut.

 

[Red Machine]

Tudei HAAC announched that thei will bild a new hall for the club to play. The name of the hall will be Garden. At the seim time, hockeyfäns in ContinuationTime are discussing a topic called pusihairs yes or no. HAAC unofficially decided to make it clear that it must be a garden. Not a runway, not a porcelain, not a bush and definetli not a jungle. It must be a Garden. Rumours say that HAAC bigbosses think that because thei are the biggest and best club in the league, their garden will cost at least 400million uros and that aal athers can get going befor thei will bi educeited.

HAAC archrival Batman's Enemies head boss Hjallis reportedli said that: "it doesnt matter what i say, we have good relations with the people who play in our arena and that mostly people come to our hall with train and they come from Nääswille and South Riding Castle"

 

[Sekera]

Punishment shots were needed to make Battle-Axe and Turku Ball Company differents. Alekx&er Barhar was in good playing shape and maked a important paint from punishment shot in shaft woman play time after Powerla hided the disc. Great working from Battle-Axe's players in big picture also because Markus Iron Bar Ass of Cloth maked a paint and feeded Jarei Rapids Beach's onest paint. Bald little man from Boston did good solution paint after continue time ended and in shaft woman play time he also was skating fastly and looked fresh. A thing that should be marked in notebook is that Battle-Axe's handlehockey haved only two penalttis and Battle-Axe's under strenght doed not pass any paints.

Also a little speaking about HAAC's new Garden and its relationship to Tampere's project:

Many Action Areena has been builded in Tampere since 2008 but that project does not seem to be going forward in real life because some people in Tampere feel that the new Areena building will hide churchs and traditional buildings in Tampere's central area. Oh dear lord, no way, really! Yes, really. In Tampere, tradition rednecks who still walk with tuohivirsut are against everything because periaate and veteraanien perintö and also "ei mun isoisän aikana tämmöistä olisi alettu miettimäänkään!" Sad but true is this.

Some Tamperean people say that new Many Action Areena is not needed because Hookforest does not go full-limits even today-days. Maybe the reason is because Hookforest is a korkee and levee piece of concrete in the middle of parking lot and because that big people (adults and parents) with little people (kids and midgets) don't like coming to the non-comfortable ice-concrete building without real fiber. For example, once you have gotten to your bench you do not want to raise your ass for stock breaks because in käytäväs you can walk only one meter per minute because ihmisruuhka, sausagelines are ten kilometres long and bars are full already. You get tired, hungry and thirsty and then you don't feel right. Holy rectum how bad thinking that new Many Action Areena is not needed in Tampere. Luckily people in Hulsinki are looking wider and see that Ice Hall from 1960s is not like 2010s time building. Or is it because people in HAAC are fakin rich?

 

[MarkusMaggot]

It's quite unbeliavable how disc people of Finland are spoiled by this building of new buildings-news in such hard times. I must say I'm looking pretty yellos of everyone having new arenas. In Cornsville we also have this arena called Synergia-areena. Sorry about the bad translation, but I think it means something when two or more things affect usually positively to the each other and the outcome is pretty neat. And arena is plays you play disc, ice hall.

Actually Synergia-areena isn't really an arena, it's more like a barn. Which is pretty understandable, because we Cornvillainers are many times called rednecks. Because we live so far from halo 3 and are propably the bestest tractor drivers in the world if underworldians of Wallriver-area are not included. Anyway, so it is only natural to play in the concrete barn. Wooden barn would also be okay, but since the industry and alternative construction methods have finally reached us, we go with the concrete.

Anyway, local Ball conducted the series before the landteambreak, but now Weasels and Saimaas Ball drived by last night. COB's play has been quite shitty lately, but we are hoping the experienced players take a grip after the break unless they are retired. Oh, oh, oh, not really the retiring news but Giorgious Plains isn't coaching COB next year. He is replased by Mark Little-Stream. There's no dramatics in this move, I guess Giorgious just thinked that working with geezers isn't the team he likes to work with.

We also have couple of NHL players in team because of the work blockade. There is this bostonian guy, Rich Pervert I think he was. He's been pretty stunned after coming from big "arenas" to play in the barn lighted by tractor head lights. And the other guy is Lasse Vai, some danish guy. Not related to Steve Vai. Never seen him play but in television, but he debuts in the COB next friday. Hope he can solve our scoring problems. If he can't do that, I'm suggesting of de-icing the shirt of local former scoring machine Frasier Little-Crane. Now there was a chubby boy who can score. Maybe he could teach these present players without gifts how to strech some net.

 

[Lätkä-Bongari Iso-E]

Disney bought rights to Star Wars and they are planning for new movie so we don't have to wait much longer when Kalervo will make his second stint as Jabba the Hut.

K. Weirdola is NOT going to be J. the Hut, he is going to be Boss Nass

 

[JHag]

Unbelievably good news for us HAAC-fans! HAAC is building an enormous icedischall, which will actually only be a part of larger center called Helsinki Garden. I will translate this to our finnishswedish readers: Helsingfors Niinku Puutarha. There will be a hotel, restaurants, apartments, whorehouses ruled by Mr.Moberg - actually everything a man needs. So, in the future we hardcore fans of HAAC can live under the same roof with HAAC!

An average weekend of a fan goes like this: In the friday afternoon you wake up and walk only with your underpants (short, always!) on to the Alko and buy some NobleSpirit. You walk back to your apartment, take a couple of drinks and start preparing for evenings game. When you start to walk to the arena, you must put some clothes on. Well, you go and watch HAAC loose against some hillybilly countryteam, which is ridiculous. That pushes you to the restaurants and there you will take asses on your shoulder and eventually crawl home. Everything under the same roof! In the Saturday morning you hate to watch your stupid wife and that's why you will head to a "hotel" which is actually a whorehouse. There you will have sex with a beautiful estonian woman and pay 500 euros for that, which is nothing. On tuesday you notice that it hurts when you pee. No worries, you can go to a doctorstation under the same roof and get a prescription of antibiotics and cocaine which you will get from a pharmacy - and all of that under the same roof!

Eventually we all die. But no worries, in the same center there will be a decent funeralhome where your loved ones can burn your sick, wasted and ruined body. They will put your miserable ashes in a jar and your ashes will be thrown in air before the next game in a ceremony in which cheerleaders will dance naked (some have pussyhair, some don't) and the GM of HAAC throws your ashes in the air and holds a speech: "Seat B5, row 12, number 67 is now free and will be sold during the first commercial brake." Then a witchwoman will curse the enemyteam to loose and she also pushes needles in a little doll imagining the GM of Batman´s Enemies, who already suffers in coma. Just like Timothy TA Michaelson. That´s because we die a lot, mostly to venerial diseases and liver breakdown. And only an idiot like Riki Sorsa's brother or Teuvo Loman takes a job as GM of BE. That will be the religion system in the future.

 

[Turder]

Regarding this new garden announcement, disc union is rumourdreded to salary a new gardener to lead this projekt. For now it is unclear if he can join the effort as he is cannoning in countryteam leading step.

Also big news from second league is that NHL player shot in the store yard. Nobody was injured but coach was happy.

 

[teemu73]

I was so happy, that Aces wan Jokers yesterday. However, from here I was able to read that Aces played not very well. Of course three points are ok, but playing must be better. Otherwise there will be retriever, who comes.

I am not sure now, who is our goaltender number one. Is it Beeach of Lakeshead? Beeach uses to play well, but when Aces play against Lock, then Beeach is making shit to his pants. Lakeshead is sometimes very good but sometimes he gives easy goals to opponent. This is some kind of problem, and I think our coach Rock thinks same.

 

[Lätkä-Bongari Iso-E]

I know this is not SM-Liiga but I don't know where else I can write this in english.

Today starts Champtis and I'm quite into it. I will watch game GoGo - Hokki from Champtis-TV what probably don't work. I don't know what's the issue with that. Can someone tell me something about it?