SM-liiga in English

[Tadu]

Athletic Association Comrades in Helsinki (AAC Helsinki or HAAC) is getting shoved around in this chain far too much to my liking. What the peasants of Finland fail to understand is the fact that Stadi is superior, because we have metro. And then there is the Slang of Stadi, which can be used to drop shit kickers from the carts. For example, if I don't want the hey hats to understand that I want my fellow Stadi man to shut the door, I can use Stadi Slang and say "hey man, stick the doerts to the pose". This will leave the savages baffled for days.

I was in an opinion that AAC (or HAAC) fans live in central Helsinki, so they do not use THE metro. Dont you use spåra to get to Nordesköld's street?

 

[Clocks]

I was in an opinion that AAC (or HAAC) fans live in central Helsinki, so they do not use THE metro. Dont you use spåra to get to Nordesköld's street?

Actually all HAAC fans are so filthy rich, that all of us have eunuch servants to carry us to the Nordenskioeldinkatu in golden sedan chairs. Metro is just something to make the barbarians jealous, and it is actually very common to buy property from the provinces in exchange for a single ride in metro. Like glass pearls to indians.

 

[kesäesa]

I was surprised because nobody hasn't wrote a word about the most famous team in FEL, Kaleva's Ball. At the moment they're easily leading the whole SM-liiga.

KalPa is known by:
- our managing director is a nigger
- our captain isn't interested playing on our team because he's living glamour life with Finnish gossip magazine called Seiska. He is also a gypsy.
- our team is full of midgets

There is couple of players which every hockey fans should know:

#4 Juha "hopeless" Hopenen (G) - I'm sorry Juha but you're almost the worst goalie ever seen in KalPa. I was kidding. Juha rocks, really.
#38 Adam Bellyhr (D) - This guy(?) took his wife's surname after he got married. What the fuck?
#46 Jussi "almost better than Kimmo" Timonen (D)
#19 Tuomas Ruffenen (F) - Tuomas is just 25-years old guy and he is already leading KalPa's all-time point statistics (210 points). That just tells you how bad team KalPa's been before year 2008-2009.
Some guy called Jasse
#23 Zachary "Dominator" Straitnen (F) - His name is almost cool as his hairstyle.

As you see, being a fan of KalPa Kuopio is pretty damn funny. Oh yeah, we have one silver and one bronze medal too!

 

[Clocks]

#38 Adam Bellyhr (D) - This guy(?) took his wife's surname after he got married.

So that's what happened? I thought he turned muslim or something like Simo Rantalainen. For all you foreign SM-liiga fans online at the moment, Simo Rantalainen is a Finnish media person who on one occasion promised to, quote, "bring Jesus to Finland and eat a hatful of nigger shit" if someone manages to bring Mike Tyson to Finland. None of these events happened.

I must say, Summer Esa's message was pretty icing. This is what brand building is all about.

 

[Stigu]

Hello you everybody! It was dosi nice to read so many good stories about the other teams and famous players! Now all the foreign countryers can think that we Finnish ice disc bench-sporters are very good in English, and that makes our life easy, because we are always thinking what the foreign countryers are thinking about us. Just think about it!

I give propses to this writing, because I of opinion dat it is very important dat foreign countryers know how lowely country Suomi is. I tell few factas of Finland: Our president is Urho Kaleva Kekkonen, we have two lakes (Saimaa is the other one, I not recall other), the sun is shining all year long, and we are happy people with smiling faces who welcome all foreign countryers here (except mud-noces and young retired horsemen with knives. And homos are not welcome.And criminals. And blacks, unless they can play sports. And people from naapur countryers like Ruotsi and Neuvostoliitto are not never ever welcome).

Okei, so much for shit-chewing, I have write something to subject so the guards of Jatkoaika not throw me away (in Suomi we have many guards every place):

I been a Disc fan many years now. My favourite team HIFK, many assholes here not like the team, because we so good and rich like Clocks said. There been already lot talking of HIFK enemy Jokes, but I put my spoon in this soppa: The fans of Jokes come from Kontula (the hesa Harlem) and DivideHill (deinzrous area) and they always copycat HIFK (my lowely team). I give example: HIFK (my favourite team) had an ungarish paintguard last year. What did Jokes? They got an ungarish paint guard. HIFK had Shedden, Westerlund, Small sum, Jarkko Diamond. What did Jokes ? They got samat people also.Many other examples laik that come from me if you interested. Now I afraid, that since fans of HIFK are always shout in game "HIFK" (which is actually the initials of Heslingfors Iddrotsförening Kamraterna, which is also tatooed on my Jorma), also the Jokes start shout in their game "J" (which is the initial of Jokes) instead "Fight Jokes" or "Jokes" or "Everybody hates us". They always copycat all, this makes me mad (I alredy make complaint to President, she not respond. But she had last week party in Castle, so maybe she busy). But I glad that the Diamond-guy in Jokes now, he bring lot trable to own team.

 

[Uleåborgir]

we have two lakes (Saimaa is the other one, I not recall other),

It another lake is Iraninjärvi (Iran's lake), It has named with Finlands nearest friendland Iran. The lake is so salty that Finlands 1 diwision ice disc company Laplands Bingvins (we have alotof bingvins in Finland PERKELE!!!) once drowned in their rehersealses.

Ive herd gossips that this chain was kidingses. Its not, one message is a kidings-message, but it has been removed by the communist nazis that rule this country from their elefants bone tovers. Im very brave to write this message.

 

[Tim Callahan]

Good evening! I would like to add some more legendary hockey statements in finnish hockey:

- Kiprusoff's glove rises like a kobras hand!
- Lehtinen makes a good mask at the behind of the goal
- Now they celebrate like a winning the Stanley Cup! All those Rasmunssens and company. You should put up a statue for them, that would be a symbol to cheering for the 14th place.
- Competion was bad but the race was good.
- This is very dangerous situation.

 

[bozik]

...There been already lot talking of HIFK enemy Jokes, but I put my spoon in this soppa...

For those foreigners who do not know all Finnish hockey persons, I will explain. Stigu mentioned soppa in his text. Soppa is assistant coach in Hifk. Why Stigu is putting his spoon into soppa, I don’t know. That is just what they do in Hifk.

 

[Clocks]

For those foreigners who do not know all Finnish hockey persons, I will explain. Stigu mentioned soppa in his text. Soppa is assistant coach in Hifk. Why Stigu is putting his spoon into soppa, I don’t know. That is just what they do in Hifk.

Stigus spoon went up in the ass of Pasi.

 

[Luikku]

I know that many foreigner S/M-Liiga fans like to cum and see ice-hockey game here in Finland. When You are in game it's very important to know few things. This is called stand culture.
1) When player falls down on the ice You must yell "Rocks in the pocket!!!".
2) When player goes to get disc from the ends of the ice rink and another player is coming to get that disc too and maybe to tackle that disc-getter You should yell to the tackler "Drive!!!".
3) If You know that one of the players have an alcoholproblem it's courtesy to offer beer to him (HIM is also very famous wrists slitting band from Finland, so don't be suprised if You say him in Finland and someone starts to mosh (s)he's hair, slit wrists and cry) and laugh like an idiot "Hey Spindlebay, have a beer, harr harr harrr!!!".

Sorry about my bad englishlanguage. I wonder what You are now thinking about me because of it (bad englishlanguage)? I hope that i didn't make fool to myself.

 

[VT]

What is the most important thing in the Finnish ice-hockey scene? It is definitely Beer, the drink of Gods. Nowadays there is no ice-hockey without massive beer drinking and no massive beer drinking without ice-hockey, either watching, playing or at least talking. Esa "Tiki" Littlewoodpecker did everything at the same time.

Finnish men even say that drinking beer and watching ice-hockey are the best what a man can do with his pants on. Without pants, a Finnish man can do anything. Except fucking, because we are usually too drunk to fuck, like the Dead Kennedys (John F., Robert etc.) sang at good old times.

Many foreigners have asked what is the history of this strong relation between ice-hockey and beer. Well, in 1860's there was a strong, tall and brave man from Ontario, Canada called Carl Brewer. Mr Brewer was a famous ice-hockey player and most of all: a famous brewer. Brewer Brewer played ice-hockey in this splendid club HAAC and at the same time established first brewery in Finland, Sinebrychoff, which has been since then also a sponsor of HAAC. Sinebrychoff brewery was established in very nice and beautiful riverside village called Kerava. Because of the brewery, Kerava is nowadays one of the major cities in Finland and it is famous for it's well-mannered, hospitable, elegant and intelligent people. It is definitely worth visiting.

Sinebrychoff actually managed to duplicate Kerava to the lovely western sea-side, when the brewery was established in Pori. They even intended own beer label, but due to a slight spelling error it was named as Bear instead of simple Beer.

You may now understand why the fans and other ventilators of HAAC are so proud of brewer Brewer, because he is the man who brought beer in Finnish ice-hockey scene.

 

[Stigu]

For those foreigners who do not know all Finnish hockey persons, I will explain. Stigu mentioned soppa in his text. Soppa is assistant coach in Hifk. Why Stigu is putting his spoon into soppa, I don’t know. That is just what they do in Hifk.

I must tell I torn apart when I read messange upstairs from the Jokes fan. Also my coffees fly to space bar when I read this messange. I not gay but Jokes fan always tell HIFK (my lowely team) fans gay. Why I not know. Only hurrit are gay. And sam people that dance in castle were gay.

I have sam really fanny jokes about Jokes:

- What happen to the Jokes fan that went too close to the rink to see Jake Diamond receive tackle? Answer: Shit hit the fan (Diamond often receive tackle by going to kyyky-shit position).
- Jokes Goalie Francis BringHome and Forward Hilary Filp-Shortage go visit Jake Diamond. They ring doorbell, but no-one answer. Next day in Disc-practise Hilary and Francis ask Diamond what happen? Diamond say: Yes I invited you but then I change mind after 1 second.

These really fanny jokes I write myself. I sure that other countryers Disc fans laugh at these too. If samebody interest, I have more fanny jokes on Jokes, put me just Yyvee. And I not gay like Bozik indicate. I like woman not man. (I already make complaint on Bozik and Clocks to guards and our president, but they not answer).

 

[Leon]

We are still looking for a good goal scorer. When we get one we're gonna kick the asses of all Helsingfors losers!

What the hell happened to bullet proof contract with Juan "Small change" Peseta? How on Earth he was ended in Comrads with Little and even Smaller G? Money talks, bullshit walks and put your shit where your mouth is, according to Officer not-related-to Hair dryer Matikainen?

 

[bozik]

And I not gay like Bozik indicate. I like woman not man. (I already make complaint on Bozik and Clocks to guards and our president, but they not answer).

No no NO, I was not saying you are gay. I was just explaining what you were saying since not all the foreigners know soppa. And of course, I think that you guys have some strange habits among Hifk fans. Since I am not Hifk fan I can not know for sure, but this "spoon into Mr. X" game might have something to with the head coach Peter Burbotnen who is also well known as a Shit eater (She). Maybe She needs something to chew and you were just trying to help.

 

[aurinkolahna]

What the hell happened to bullet proof contract with Juan "Small change" Peseta? How on Earth he was ended in Comrads with Little and even Smaller G? Money talks, bullshit walks and put your shit where your mouth is, according to Officer not-related-to Hair dryer Matikainen?

The Weasel immigrants in Helsingfors have already kicked Peseta's ass. That f*****g renegade has so much bruises on his ass that he can't even sit or play
anymore. And it can be seen on the result board. I think you are just pissed off because your favourite club The Castle Of Hame's Ball Society has sucked this year. #24 Yari Zip-rake rules!

 

[JHag]

Hi again all foreigners and that includes also the members of the band Foreigner. There has been discussion about Finnish lakes and in my opinion there is also a third lake. It's called Vittulanjarvi and it's located in Lapland, which is located who the hell knows where. The enghlish name for Vittulanjarvi would be something like Pussyhoodlake and that's why it is never mentioned in Finnish Maps. We hate talking about pussy in Finland. It's against womens rights to make jokes about pussy. Penis-jokes are ok, but they are not so funny. But pussies are very much around in the hockey scene and one of the most famous pussies in finnish hockey is Marko Kiprusoff. He is from Turku and he looks like a handgranade had exploded on his face. He was always avoiding being hit - he was a skating pussy. Nobody misses him. Except Antero Mertaranta, a famous finnish pussyballperson.

The team from Oulu, karpat which means little retarded animals, comes near Lapland and the area is known about it's odd religion. It's called lestadiolaisuus and even thouhg the word is quite near the word "lesbo" it's not so funny. Lestadion people are like a Finnish version of amishes. They don't use condoms or pills or spirals (the things you put inside a woman to prevent pregnancy. It works by scratching the cock away). The Lestis men always shoot the load deep inside the vagina and that's why they have about 26 children in every family. Thats the reason many players from there come south to see the Metro and other nice things in Helsinki. Other attractions in Helsinki for any hockeyplayer are Viivi Avellan and Tanja Karpela. Anyways, there isn't enough food in Oulu because the guys just keep on shooting their loads inside vaginas and as school-biology tells us - that leads to pregnancy. I even have one joke about Lestadion people: -When a man dies, his wife inherits his house and money. But there's one trick: that can't happen until the wife is 14 years old.

 

[Clocks]

The Castle Of Hame's Ball Society has sucked this year.

As a race, the Haemaelaeiset are notoriously slow. Specific to the tribe living in the caves and fields of Haemeenlinna is a love for potatoes. They eat potatoes and during wintertime even have sex with them. The good thing about potatoes is that they can either be carved, or inserted as such into various body cavities. Haeme's Castle's Ball Club has been frowned upon by other SM-liiga teams for their Association status. This has been made possible by guys like Harry Birdhill, who is a part of the hockey mob in Finland. This bunch includes characters like the Swedish sailorman Harry Harkimo, and iron chancellor Jabba the Hut. Jabba served in the Finnish parliament for one season, but failed to be re-elected and fed his voters to Rancor.

 

[Watson]

But pussies are very much around in the hockey scene and one of the most famous pussies in finnish hockey is Marko Kiprusoff. He is from Turku and he looks like a handgranade had exploded on his face. He was always avoiding being hit - he was a skating pussy. Nobody misses him.

Current President of Finlad, Tarja Halonen (she looks like Irish comedienne Conan O'Brian) made a clear statement a couple of weeks ago: Men's hockey should be like Women's hockey. That's why Marko hasn't retired, he is still playing in BallBears of Kuusamo and will propably return to SM-liiga after President Halonen has changed the hockey rules.

I visited Suomussalmi (big city near Russian border) a couple of weeks ago. Marko's team had a game against local team Suomussalmi Ball-club. Unfortunately parking area was full of cars and I had no time to use local busses, so I didn't see him playing in Suomussalmi Arena. What a shame!

 

[aurinkolahna]

The team from Oulu, karpat which means little retarded animals, comes near Lapland and the area is known about it's odd religion. It's called lestadiolaisuus and even thouhg the word is quite near the word "lesbo" it's not so funny. Lestadion people are like a Finnish version of amishes. They don't use condoms or pills or spirals (the things you put inside a woman to prevent pregnancy. It works by scratching the cock away). The Lestis men always shoot the load deep inside the vagina and that's why they have about 26children in every family.

Ha ha, everything in JHag's writing tells to the foreign readers that he hasn't even visited the Uleaborg region: Not even 80% of people here are laestadians, and the only reason why we ever visit that crappy town of Helsingfors is our Mission to spread the Centre Party ideology among the helsingforsians, which are usually called "Sauli's Children" because they often follow their leader, a small, bug-eyed, frog-like man called Sauli.

 

[Clocks]

He is from Turku and he looks like a handgranade had exploded on his face.

Although the pussiness of Marko is a given fact, I would like to point out that he is not alone. The Helsinki Jokes are coached by a real bitch of a man called Insulation Tape Western Grove. After every single game in the playoffs versus HAAC in 2011 he first lifted up his skirt and then started to cry. This prompted the then-head-coach of HAAC, Gary Little Noble, to make a statement that Western Grove was the only letter M in the series.

 

[JHag]

Unfortunately parking area was full of cars and I had no time to use local busses, so I didn't see him playing in Suomussalmi Arena. What a shame!

Oh my god, that was a shame indeed! Are you sure the things in parking area were cars? Usually people over there ride reindeers, because there isn't much use of cars in -50 celciusdegrees. In fact, there are only 5 cars in Lapland, and they are being used as toilets and modern statues. I think that the parking area was full of reindeers who ware mating. Even the reindeers are horny in Lapland and as you could guess, the reindeers don't use birth control either. That's why Lestadian people love reindeers.

I remember that there was only one M during the playoffs against Jokes. He was M.Granlund. I can also recall only one time when Marko Kiprusoff was hurt during his career in SM-liiga. In a rough game between TPS and Karpat, Marko's hair was seriously injured. One time later TPS claimed that HIFK player Lennart Petrells skate hit Markos face and stupid enough, TPS wanted some kinf of consequence to HIFK. The only thing that happened was that HIFK sent an invoice of plastical surgery operations to TPS. Marko looked much better after the skatehit.

 

[Stigu]

Since I am not Hifk fan I can not know for sure, but this "spoon into Mr. X" game might have something to with the head coach Peter Burbotnen who is also well known as a Shit eater (She). Maybe She needs something to chew and you were just trying to help.

OK and Pax! You have actually opened my eyes (while I have opened one eye of Soppa) : Now I really understand what the kylt in HIFK:s dressing room means: "If yo have been given with spoon, do not take with kauha".

Some news about Jake Diamond. It is really weird that he tries to hug Kanki (Boner) and Mela (Johnson) . I think he is maybe homo?

And for all the foreigners, here are some historical facts of finnish SM-liiga:

- finnish people are quite alcoholisoitu: example: In english icing is Icing, in finnish it is called "one pint" (pitkä)
- the game has changed a lot, from puolustus to hyökkäys-voittonen game. In the 1970's people in audience used to shout "Pidä Vellu" (defend Veli Matti Ketola) . Nowadays the shout "Vedä Pillu" (shoot Pihlström, or draw pussy)
- in the 1970's same thing: people used to shout "Kutaa Lalli" (shoot Lalli Partinen), now they shout "Lataa Kulli" (shoot Jake Diamond or Load dick).

 

[Johannes]

This week there has been a lot of talk if Jarkko Ruutu is a hard player or a rat in sm-liiga. I think he at least had rats in his gloves when Jokerit played on monday against HIFK. Suddenly in the 2nd period Jarkko started to shake his gloves and that must mean that rats had suddenly invaded his hands and Jarkko tried to shake rats away from his gloves.

Another time rats probably took over Jarkkos hole body and Jarkko fell in front of HIFK:s Ilari Melart. Jarkko was so disgusted about the incident with rats that he rushed into the locker-room and removed rats from his equipment. The referee gave then mistakenly Jarkko 2+10 minutes, because he thought Jarkko had molested nice little animals and that is a bad thing in Finnish hockey. We like animals so much that we call our national team Lions. Even out president Mrs Tarja Halonen said after the game that in female hockey she has never seen animals treated so badly and mens ice-hockey should follow the way women play ice-hockey.

 

[Watson]

Oh my god, that was a shame indeed! Are you sure the things in parking area were cars? Usually people over there ride reindeers, because there isn't much use of cars in -50 celciusdegrees. In fact, there are only 5 cars in Lapland, and they are being used as toilets and modern statues.

No, Suomussalmi is not part of Lapland, it's in Kainuu. It's almost the same, but people in Kainuu are using cross-country skies, not reindeers, when going from place to another. Former president Kekkonen was also from Kainuu and he was excellent cross-country skier! They also sell freely growth hormone in Kainuu pharmacies.

There are indeed some reindeers in Kainuu, but those are only for hunting. It's very common hobby in Kainuu to drink vodka and shoot Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeers from your terrace. It's really fun, you should try sometimes!

For the foreign readers one hockey fact from Kainuu: there is one team playing in Mestis from Kainuu: Kajaanin Hokki (Kajaani Tsud). They won Mestis championship a couple of years ago when Kai Garrison-capnen was their head coach.

 

[Espoon Siniset]

1) When player falls down on the ice You must yell "Rocks in the pocket!!!".
2) When player goes to get disc from the ends of the ice rink and another player is coming to get that disc too and maybe to tackle that disc-getter You should yell to the tackler "Drive!!!".
3) If You know that one of the players have an alcoholproblem it's courtesy to offer beer to him (HIM is also very famous wrists slitting band from Finland, so don't be suprised if You say him in Finland and someone starts to mosh (s)he's hair, slit wrists and cry) and laugh like an idiot "Hey Spindlebay, have a beer, harr harr harrr!!!".

Brilliant observations, but have to make another here:

4) If the referee makes a horrible call, then you should yell: "Mallet, Mallet" while pointing the ref with your hand.